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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27237310">the great trial</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarlingImaWriter/pseuds/DarlingImaWriter'>DarlingImaWriter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the great divide universe [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: Legend of Korra</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Romance, Romantic Soulmates, SO GAY, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, our girls are getting THERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPY</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:30:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>31,464</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27237310</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarlingImaWriter/pseuds/DarlingImaWriter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This was meant to be the easy part. The part filled with brightness and love. The war was over and you had the love of your life all to yourself. No more Baatar, no more secrecy and no more lies. But with the calm comes the realization as all the adrenaline finally leaves you. Now you know, this is the hard part.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kuvira (Avatar) &amp; Reader, Kuvira (Avatar)/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the great divide universe [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1988659</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>139</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="">
    <p>That first month in your new apartment is probably the worst. You guys were able to find a small one on the bottom floor of a complex. It had a small side garden with a lemon tree and vines growing up the side of the building and your dad was already talking to about all the flowers you could plant together. </p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Suyin put you on house arrest as well which caused an uproar with not only Kuvira, who offered to take your year for herself, but also your parents. You would be stuck inside for a year whilst she would have to stick it out for three. Kuvira hated how you were paying for her actions, she didn’t see how wrong it was for you to turn a blind eye for three years. No one knew the pressure she put you under.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Your parents offered to pay the bills. They were comfortable enough with your mom's Lieutenant salary and with your father's popular flower shop. They even bought you guys furniture and upon your request paint to personalize your first home. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Somehow once that front door shuts, leaving you both inside with furniture randomly stacked around in the living for the both of you to organize along with paint cans and boxes of your belongings, the room feels like the air has been sucked out of it. You’ve dreamed of this day for years and it isn’t going at all how you planned. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She doesn’t get what the big deal is, she’s just happy she’s not stuck in a prison cell. That frustrated look on your face is new and with a sharp reply at some snappy comment you made, she realizes she doesn’t like it.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Kuvira gets pissed that the couch is too heavy, the paint isn’t the right shade, and even though she claims she doesn’t care it’s what you’ve dreamt, and dammit you deserve for it to come true. A plate cracks, silverware is dropped, the bookcase is too small for all your childhood books and one of you<em> (Kuvira)</em> already managed to scuff up the floors. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>This, the after, is meant to be the easy part. There aren't any more battles or secrets, train rides, or negotiations. It’s the two of you in your first apartment and this day is supposed to be a happy one. This is meant to be a peaceful and happy day with stolen kisses as you lazily unpack. You’re meant to be starting over and it’s not supposed to be so difficult.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The sun has gone down and the lights dimly illuminate your disaster of a living space. Nothing has been accomplished. You grip the roots of your hair as the paint issue is once more brought up “why does it matter? It’s a decent color!” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Because it’s not what I envisioned!” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Well, we can’t always get what we want! What, are we going to have your parents return it?” Spirits! She doesn’t get it, your vision of the future was sacred, something you held tight for all those years. It has to be at least slightly like you imagined it, and this isn’t right. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>To Kuvira, your behavior is starting to remind her of a spoiled child upset about not getting the last piece of candy.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“You don’t get it! It matters to me, we’re gonna be living here for the next three years. I think we should at least like what we put on the walls!” You storm away, slamming the bedroom shut behind you. There aren’t many places to hide here, all the main living space is combined along with a very small bathroom, one wall is completely windows that show the small garden and by the kitchen is the door to the bedroom. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Kuvira stands frozen in the living room, slightly flinching as the door slams shut. She understands that there will be a rocky adjustment period. She admitted that day in the tent that she needs to work on the way she treats you. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>But she didn’t expect it to go south so fast. While you have your version of how today is meant to go, so does she. Kuvira hoped today would go along smoothly, she didn’t care about the furniture or walls, she simply wanted to peacefully start off your new life together on a good note.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You aggressively rub at your eyes as you feel tears of frustration well up before sitting down on the edge of your bed. That’s at least one thing that seems to be working out, all the beds you shared in the past were rather small <em>(besides the one in the Beifong estate)</em> so it was a relief to see them carry in a queen-sized bed for both of you. You lay down over the covers and sighed. <em>Tomorrow will be better,</em>you tell yourself. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You don’t mean to fall asleep, you just planned to lay there and stew in your emotions a bit before getting up and trying to talk it out. So when you awake with a start, your hand immediately goes to search for that familiar body. You choke out a sob as you find the other side empty. Momentarily forgetting where you are, you begin to cry as you wrap your arms around yourself. The words “what did I do?” leave your lips. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You bring a hand to try and stifle the sound as your lungs squeeze out all the air it can. The room feels so small and the darkness of the night so terrifying. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>There’s the sound of shuffling from the other side of the door before someone opens it up, Kuvira looks at you, her hair a curly mess from sleep. She squints, still half asleep before hearing you let out a whimper. She walks over, crawling onto the bed until she’s in front of you, her hands come up to move your wrists as you continue to try and muffle the sound. “Hey, hey what’s wrong?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Your eyes shoot up to hers and you throw yourself at her, wrapping your arms around her neck. “You weren’t here,” you cry. Kuvira’s eyebrows shoot up at your words before wrapping her arms around your waist, pulling you closer to try and offer you some kind of comfort. “I thought…” you sniffle, “I thought we were back on the train.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>Oh</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Suddenly Kuvira feels anger flame within herself but it’s not directed at you but her because she’s the reason you're crying. “I was just sleeping on the couch, no one else is here.” <em>Baatar isn’t here.</em> You grip her shirt for reassurance, the fear within you stays and it makes your joints ache with anxiety as you remember all those nights alone. “I thought you wanted to be alone.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>This side of you is brand new to her and so heartbreaking. She can feel the pounding of your heart and a part of her is worried it’ll break out of your chest. She’s done this to you, she’s made it so you're sobbing so hard you can barely breathe. As you shake in her arms, she realizes this can’t be avoided tomorrow.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You shake your head, not being able to say anything as you continue to cry. She moves her arms, an act that has you holding her tighter, and moves them to your hips so she can scoot you over so that the both of you can sleep. You seem to understand as your grip loosens just a smidgen as she slowly lays down and, due to your clinging, you follow.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Once on your sides, you wrap yourself around her, needing her to be as close as possible, and tuck your face into her neck. It’s not all that comfortable but it helps slow your heart rate down a bit. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>In the morning you seem to not want to talk about your episode, you act as if nothing happened. She always tried to ignore the way you looked after those nights on the train, honestly, she was too busy trying to scrub away the events of the night before to have noticed how truly upset you looked. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>But now in the light of day as your unpacking more dishes she notices the bags under your eyes and the unusual quiet in your demeanor. Your movements are stiff as you place the baking dishes into a bottom cabinet. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It’s like you're a shell of yourself, like last night that bright, loving person was poured out of you along with your tears. It terrifies her to see how quickly it can all shift.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Y/n?” You look up, quirking a brow. “Can we talk about last night?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You tense up a bit, brushing your hands over your sweatpants. “What about it?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“About…” Kuvira furrows her brows in confusion, “Y/n I thought you were hurt when I woke up.” You bite your lip, fiddling with the ties of your pants. You don't talk about this, never in the past three years have you talked about things like this with her. It always upset her when you tried to talk about how her actions hurt you. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Well I wasn't, just startled is all. Can you pass me that box?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“You were shaking,” Kuvira places her hand on the box to keep it in place when she sees you walk over to grab it yourself. “Is that… Is that what happened every time I…?” She can’t seem to bring herself to say it, so you do. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Every time you <em>cheated</em> on me?” You place your hands on your hips and sigh. “Just drop it Kuvira.” You rip the box out from under her grasp and walk away. Bile rises in your throat as those pesky images you’d dream up every time she was gone appear in your mind. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You set the box down harder than you mean to and the sound of something breaking has you cursing under your breath. Bolin isn’t here to spar with, to help calm you down with uppercuts and swift kicks to the shins. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Kuvira is stunned, left standing at the other side of the kitchen counter as she tries to make sense of her raging thoughts. <em>Cheated.</em>You're not wrong, but hearing you say it hurts. She never called it that, knowing if she did she’d have to admit what she was doing was wrong. And she could never be wrong, at least not then. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>So she called it punishments because then she could justify what she was doing. It’s not like she liked doing it because she didn’t but it seemed to be the best way to control you at the time. It won’t matter if she says that though, she knows it’s wrong and if anything it’ll make this situation worse. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I-I’m sorry,” she says softly, saying it makes her internally cringe, but she does mean it. You let out a huff, ignoring her as you open up the box. All the adrenaline of trying to save the day has left you, honestly, it left you around the time they slapped that stupid tracker onto your ankle but the lack of sleep and her trying to confront something you’d rather stay buried is getting to you. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>When you go to pick up the broken dish the sharp edge cuts across your hand, you hiss out in pain and jerk your hand towards your chest, it’s not a deep cut but it still hurts like a bitch. Blood begins to seep out and the sight of that sickening deep red liquid coating your palm has Kuvira panicking. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Suddenly she’s back in the trunk with her heart in your hands as she watched you bleed out. Her hands feel warm and coated in the thickness of your blood once more. Her heart begins to race, deep in the back of her mind she knows it’s just a small cut but it’s only been a few weeks since you were so close to death.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Ignoring the fight at hand she rushes over to gently cradle your hand and pull it close, you yank your hand out of her grasp, her eyes shoot up to look at you with pinched brows. “I need to clean it, just let me clean it.” Her voice shakes as she desperately tries to take your hand back.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I can’t…” This furious look settles on your features as you glare into her eyes before storming away towards the bathroom. She turns to follow you, her heart is pounding at the memories pouring out from the box she’s tried to shove them in. “I can’t look at you right now!” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The slam of the door effectively ends any chance of her chasing after you. </p>
  <hr/>
</div><div class="">
  <p>A couple of weeks goes by, the walls have now been painted the green you wanted and your dad brought over a second bookcase, then helped move the couch with Kuvira. He stops by often with baked goods and a fresh bouquet to replace the last. After that first day of moving in your mother doesn’t stop by though, he says she’ll come around, that she just needs time. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>But Kuvira sees the crestfallen look that takes over your features every time you open the door, and she’s not there. It’s a Friday night, and he’s come over to help cook.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Things have been tense between you and Kuvira, you can’t seem to look her in the eyes. She’s tried multiple times to get you to look at her, but each time you keep your gaze trained on something behind her or her forehead. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>What she doesn’t know is every time you do accidentally look at her, betrayal seeps through you as you remember all those nights alone. You don’t want to be filled with anger and hurt every time you look at her, but you don’t know what to do. Saying that word out loud,<em>cheated</em>, has opened a door you kept locked tight, spirits you had built a wall in front of it after that first time. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>But now it’s blown off the hinges and fills you up, threatening to spill at any moment. You're sure your dad notices, but he thankfully doesn’t comment. He’s commandeered Kuvira to fill the dumplings, saying “these are her favorite, anytime she got sick or upset I’d make these for her and everything would be okay again.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You ignore him as he tries to converse with Kuvira, her replies are short and awkward as she doesn’t know how to conduct herself around him yet. Opening up a bottle of wine for yourself you try to work on the broth for the soup, desperately trying to tune her out. You love your father so much and you're happy to be near him again, but you wish he’d just go home.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Meanwhile, Kuvira is loving his company, not only does it force you to be civil, but she gets a chance to get on his good side. She knows how much your parents mean to you and whilst it will probably take a village to get your mother to like her again, she thinks she has a shot with your dad. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“And then! Oh, I think she was five when she realized what her mark meant, it was so adorable she-” Your dad laughs, suddenly you're filled with embarrassment as he continues. “She asked if they would be pretty.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You know he has good intentions but spirits now is not the time to bring up stupid soulmates. Does he not feel the tension between the two of you? You know that if he does, it’s probably slipped his mind that it’s not over something small. Your parents never had to worry about what to do if the other cheats on you multiple times whilst watching you suffer.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You fill up a glass for yourself, pouring it past the socially acceptable amount, and take a big sip before filling up two glasses for them. Part of you wants to be petty and not fill one up for her but your dad will point it out if you do. That bitter voice in your head reminds you of how Kuvira once shamed you for drinking. Fuck that.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Between you and me I think she thinks you're pretty so five-year-old her would be very happy.” Kuvira coughs, letting out a chuckle as she shakes her head, not that you see since your back is turned. “I don’t know about that,” is her modest reply. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>To hear stories about your childhood feels like a perfectly wrapped present to Kuvira. It makes her feel close to you despite your current circumstances and to hear about how obsessed you were with soulmates makes her want to wrap you up and shower you with love.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>But the problem with this story is it makes Kuvira think about all the shitty things she did to you. To hear about all the excitement and joy you showed over one day meeting her has made her feel ashamed of the person you got stuck with. Do you wish someone else was her? Have you ever thought about the what-ifs?</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You hear your dad let out a chuckle and say <em>“No,</em> don’t be so negative.” If she replies you don’t hear it, soon after the topic is dropped as they focus back on the task at hand. Your grip on the wooden spoon is so tight you wonder if you can snap it in half. It hurts your fingers and that slight pain offers some kind of relief.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“So you pinch it like thi-” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I’ll be right back,” you say, leaving the broth to boil as you hastily walk over to the bathroom and lock the door behind you. Kuvira watches you go with a frown, everyday it seems you have to lock yourself away from her. Like her presence is just so unbearable that you’d rather hide in a bathroom and miss out on time with your dad.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You catch the sight of yourself in the mirror and glare back at the unrecognizable person staring back at you. Your face is flushed from embarrassment and there’s this hint of rage lingering in your gaze that wasn’t always there. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You’ve never been this kind of angry person before, you were raised around flowers and cupcakes, books filled with great adventures and laughter echoing through your home. People who’d go to the moon and back for you. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Your mom could get a bit angry at times and when she did she’d go take it out on one of those training dummies at her work. There was hardly ever any yelling in your home and never once did you sense animosity between your parents growing up. This new environment was stress-inducing and it made you want to throw all the glass plates against the wall.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You bring your hands up to your cheeks and sigh. When you were younger you were badly bullied at school for being so quiet, if anything the teasing words and tugs on your hair just made you cave inward on yourself instead of lashing out. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You’d cry into your parent's arms as you asked them why no one wanted to be friends with you and your father helped you find solace in the solitary kind of activities to help bring you happiness.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>When you signed up for the dance troupe that was a big step for you, which sounds ridiculous since you were nineteen, but that was something that required being around others and communicating with them. Both of your parents were thrilled at you finally branching out and had taken you to a celebratory dinner after your first practice. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>They were your best friends, you looked up to them and admired the love they still evidently held for one another, soulmates or not love seemed to dwindle over the years for most couples. And now you're here, in your bathroom of the apartment you share with your soulmate which should fill you with joy but instead you're on the verge of tears as you try to push down that burning flame within. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>If your dad ever cheated on your mom she’d slap him across the face and leave. If your mom cheated on your dad he’d cry so hard, but he’d leave as well. They always told you things like that were unacceptable when you’d tell them about all the school drama (not that you were ever involved in it) and now here you are. Feeling ashamed of all those years when she walked all over you, you wonder <em>what would your parents think?</em> You pull at the roots of your hair, no longer able to stomach the sight of yourself. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You hate all of this and you can’t look her in the eyes but if given the chance you know you won’t leave, and it’s not because of that soulmate bullshit. It’s because of those quiet moments spent in each other's arms when it seemed like the world ceased to exist, where you’d giggle as she’d rub her nose against yours. Where you felt safe and seen and loved. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You want those moments back, you want to not hate the sight of her but it seems anytime you so much as hear her voice you're on edge. You’re shaking due to the wave of anger and sadness that washes over you as you seem to get trapped in your thoughts. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It’s happening more and more, you zone out most days and seem to think of every little bad thing she’s done. It feels like molten hot lava is poured over you every time it happens. The knock on the door makes you jump up in shock, so lost in your thoughts you tuned the rest of the world out. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“The dumplings are ready,” you hear your dad say. You look up in the mirror and internally groan, you’ve made a mess of your hair and your eyes are bloodshot from crying. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Uhm,” you clear your throat “I’ll be out in a minute.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Okay, we’ll be setting up the table.” You nod, not realizing he can’t see you as you try to fix your appearance which is a task in itself. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The dinner is awkward, it consists of spoons gently tapping against glass bowls and your father desperately trying to fill in the silence, he eyes you the whole time, probably expecting a smile to appear because <em>dumplings fix everything</em>, except this time they don’t. She feels bad for your dad, he really is trying to make you happy. Should she tell him it’s no use? That the only thing that will make you happy is probably her disappearance?</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Anytime she looks your way you take a sip of your wine, you have to refill it thrice and it seems to drag on for hours despite the alcohol in your system. Kuvira does try to chime in as she tries to get on your father's good side but you are only able to let out nods of acknowledgment or forced chuckles at little anecdotes. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He leaves after helping you clean the dishes, much to Kuvira’s chagrin. With him around, he was a nice buffer for the two of you, a pleasant way to fill the uncomfortable silence that filled your home. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You’ve just finished wiping down the counters when she tries. “Y/n…” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“No.” You immediately reply, heading to your shared room to get in bed before her, like you always do. </p>
  <hr/>
</div><div class="">
  <p>A day later your mom finally shows up. She knows this is a private moment and to be honest she fears your mother's wrath. The way she glared at her when she opened the door had her wanting to hide away. She had said something about needing to talk to you, how the dumplings didn’t work which had Kuvira severely confused. But she didn’t question it.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>So she let your mom make tea while she tried to coax you out of the room. By the time you finally leave Kuvira sees that your mother is in the garden, patiently waiting. When you walk out of your bedroom you find her in the garden, sitting at the little iron table they got for you.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You watch Kuvira lock herself in your bedroom as you sit down across from your mom. There're two teacups filled with piping hot jasmine tea and a plate of cookies your father probably baked. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Neither of you speaks the first few moments, you both spend the time sipping from your cups and watching the bustling of the streets, it must be lunchtime. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Why haven’t you stopped by?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Your mom sighs as she sets the teacup down, “honestly I just… I have a hard time with all of this. With her and with your arrest.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Well, I did stand by while a bunch of horrible things happened mom. I understand why she arrested me,” you pick up one of the sugar cookies and bite into it. That all too familiar anger is bubbling within you once more. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Yes, but as a Lieutenant of the guard it’s made people deem me unworthy of my job.” You tense at her words, you didn’t know people were giving her grief about your actions. It’s not like she encouraged you to leave. “And… I am just having a hard time getting used to her and everything she’s done.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“She knows what she did was wrong, she was being cornered in Ba Sing S-” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I don’t mean what she did to the earth kingdom, I mean what she did to you.” Looking down at the dark amber color of your tea, you slump your shoulders as you think of her words. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I mean I’ll support whatever you decide but it’s hard for me to look at her knowing she kept you a secret, so she could keep up some charade with that Junior-” you tuck your hands under your lap at his name, trying to keep from clenching them, “and I’ve seen photos of him holding her and even <em>kissing</em> her, none of it is right.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Biting your lip to keep from crying you look away from her, at the streets that have since calmed down a bit. You focus on a child holding his mother's hand as he kicks up water at the fountain. He’s laughing, his grin so wide it takes up the majority of his features. He looks so happy and carefree. You want that kind of life, wishing you could trade his with yours.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“It was only kissing, right?” When you don’t immediately reply, she continues “y/n what happened in those three years?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I…” you snap your mouth shut as you suddenly feel like you're about to cry. You can’t look at her, you’ll know she’ll be disappointed in you. “It was a couple of times to placate him, he’d been getting suspicious due to her lack of affection.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>And I’d angered her in some way, it was usually that.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You don’t say that though, deciding to keep it to yourself. You hear the sound of glass breaking and whip your head around to see the handle of your mother's teacup broken into tiny pieces, the cup slips from her hand and falls onto the table, causing it to shatter. Hot tea splatters onto the table and seeps through the holes within it, some liquid gets on your shirt and you jump back in surprise. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Fuck, I’m sorry honey,” she says, going to grab one of the napkins to wipe up the excess tea. Her voice shakes with rage and you can see her jaw clenching so tight it looks like it’s about to snap. While she cleans no one talks, what do you even say? So instead you busy yourself by picking up a cookie and snapping it in half, when she leaves you’ll pick up the glass shards off the ground. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“You know…” Your mother clenches the wet cloth in her hand, trying to control her tone. “You know that’s wrong, right?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Yes, I do but what am I meant to do?” She opens her mouth to reply but stops herself when she sees the telltale sign of you being on the verge of tears. “I can’t look at her without imagining it but fuck mom I still love her.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It’s silent for a few beats, you can see the cogs turning in her mind. You don’t know if you want to know what’s going through her head, probably disappointment at your unwillingness to leave Kuvira. She sighs and gently sets the dirty napkin onto the table, her eyes lowered to stare at a shard that has half a panda lily painted on it, the other half had broken off during the fall. The incompleteness of it is sort of beautiful. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“If you want to stay with her, you both need to seek professional help because this relationship is unhealthy and can’t continue this way.” She runs her hands through her hair, smoothing it back as she stares at you, “I can have a friend of mine come over to talk with the both of you, she specializes in things like this.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“<em>Really?</em>” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Yes but it’s not something that’ll be fixed right away. From the sounds of it, it’ll take years before the two of you can get to a healthy place.” Your shoulders slump at that, why is nothing easy anymore? Why can’t it go back to cinnamon-scented afternoons while helping your dad at his shop where the most difficult task at hand was tying a perfect bow. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I’ll do it.”</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. part two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Kuvira already hates this. She hates how the both of you are seated on the couch yet are on opposite ends while some middle-aged woman with a notepad on her lap is seated across from the both of you. She hates the question at hand, despite it being the first one. “How did it start?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It. </span>
  </em>
  <span>This wasn’t an It, this is a relationship. It was delicate and warm and the fact that this stranger expects both of you to just pour yourself into this, sharing every little thing, pisses her off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The only problem is she has to go along with this because she just heard you say her name for the first time in weeks when introducing the both of you to Dr. Hanika. Because you spoke to her directly just a few days ago when telling her about this visit after your mother left. So she has to suck it up, for you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh…” Your eyes flit across the contents on the coffee table as you try to make sense of your memories. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This</span>
  <em>
    <span> relationship</span>
  </em>
  <span> started almost four years ago” Kuvira replies. “We met at Suyin’s dance studio, she asked me for help.” Dr. Hanika clicks her pen and begins to write something across her notepad. Kuvira leans over a little to try and peek, but she’s too far away to see what’s being written. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Y/n what can you tell me about the start of your relationship with Kuvira?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your shoulders slump, wetting your lips. You don’t want to talk about this, you want to talk about how to get over the cheating. “When are we going to talk about… everything else?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kuvira looks away, frowning. She knows what you're referring to. Dr. Hanika sets her pen down and sighs “We will get to the root of your problems soon, but I think the best way I can help the both of you is if I know how it started.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And so you tell her, despite not wanting to, about meeting Kuvira and practicing after class with her for weeks before she finally kissed you. You keep out how she kissed you in other places, deciding to keep that between the two of you. And then you tell her about the recital, about wanting to introduce her to your parents but didn’t because Baatar was there with his arm wrapped around her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hearing your point of view on things leaves a sour taste in Kuvira’s mouth. She didn’t know you wanted her to meet your parents that night. After she watched you race out of the room she had quietly scolded Baatar for not waiting like they originally planned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you never told her about the relationship you had with Baatar?” You scoff at his name, turning your gaze out the window, not wanting to see her reaction to the question. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No… I didn’t want to hurt he-” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s rich coming from you,” you spit out, Kuvira turns to face you, her brows pinching together as she tries to keep her temper in check. “It’s the truth!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you didn’t want to hurt me you would have ended it with him!” You twist around, finally meeting her eyes for the first time in what feels like forever. Whatever words were on the tip of Kuvira’s tongue died the minute you do. “But you didn’t, instead you made me keep us a secret for three years!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright, let’s calm down” Dr. Hanika looks between the both of you. But you ignore her, tired of keeping your mouth shut to keep her happy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You cheated on me as some sick form of punishment over the smallest of things, fuck, I’m pretty sure you liked crawling into his bed those nights with how many times you chose to do it!” You grip the couch so tight your knuckles begin to turn white. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The look in your eyes is like nothing she’s seen before and her heart begins to pound. She doesn’t know this version of you and it scares her. “How about you do us both a favor and go crawling back to him instead of staying here!”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tick,</span>
  </em>
  <span> the clock mounted on the wall is all that’s heard as silence descends upon the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Scratch,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dr. Hanika begins to write on her notepad, and the sound of pen meeting paper mixes with the ticking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Chirp</span>
  </em>
  <span>, a bird in the tree by your living room window is giving its babies lunch and the excited chirping from the babies blends with the other two sounds.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The fourth sound to join the makeshift symphony is the whimper that leaves Kuvira’s lips before she storms away to your bedroom where she slams the door so hard the bookshelf next to it shakes, a book falls off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe we should start with individual sessions and then work our way up into group sessions,” she says calmly. You nod, thickly swallowing as you slowly let go of the back of the couch, your knuckles cramp a bit from how hard you held the cushion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And so you tell her the rest, all of it including every lonely night and every fight. She aggressively writes away on her notepad as you stare at the vase of light pink flowers. At some point, you grab a pillow from beside you and clutch it close to your chest as you get to the engagement. Tears are freely falling from your eyes now and you don’t move to wipe them away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think this will take a long time and there’s no guarantee on what will come of this, but we can only hope it’s something positive. For now, I think both of you should try to find interests separate from one another since it seems like there are some codependency issues we’ll need to work on.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You nod, trying to think up what you can do in this small apartment as you wipe the last of your tears away. “Okay, I can do that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What you're feeling right now is valid, Y/n, and I want you to know it’s good that you are seeking therapy to help resolve these issues,” she sets her pen down on the pad and sighs. “I think I’d like to speak to Kuvira alone, then I’ll take my leave for the day.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Biting your lip you set the pillow down beside you and look at the bedroom door. “I’ll go get her, maybe you should stay in the bedroom once she comes out.” Dr. Hanika stands up and gently knocks on the door. Kuvira, who feels like a knife has been driven through her heart, is sitting on the edge of your bed with her head in her hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She hates herself and hates this. All of the arrogance she carried just a few weeks ago has vanished as she’s left with this warped version of you. Kuvira knows she deserves this but fuck does it hurt to hear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The knock has her head tilting up, hoping it’s you and that this tense tightrope you're making her walk has finally come to an end. But it’s Dr. Hanika saying something Kuvira only half hears. It feels like her head is underwater, like her words are distorted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You hear her talking to Kuvira through the door, but she’s being too quiet to understand what's transpiring. Slowly the lock clicks and the door opens up, revealing a red-eyed Kuvira who won’t look at you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She walks over to the other side of the room so you can lock yourself in the bedroom, suddenly she wishes she had put up a fight about doing this. Kuvira wishes she could take it back, so she never had to hear you talk like that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she sits down on the couch she doesn’t know what to do, so she ends up sitting with her elbows propped up on her knees with her chin resting in the palm of her hands as she tries to keep calm. Her whole body feels like it’s buzzing and her world feels off-center. Maybe she should deal with your silence, seeming to prefer it over your malicious words. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kuvira?” The young woman snaps out of her thoughts and looks up at Dr. Hanika with a quirked brow. “I’ve been trying to talk to you for a few minutes now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How did Y/n’s words make you feel?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Awful,” Kuvira doesn't want to talk to her but what's the alternative? “Like she doesn't love me anymore.”</span>
  <em>
    <span> Like no one loves me, not even her. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think she would go through with this if she didn’t love you?” Dr. Hanika tilts her head in question, her hands delicately placed over each other as they rest on her pen and notepad. “Do you think she would put in all this effort if she didn’t want to be with you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kuvira frowns, she never looked at it like that. “Don’t you think she would have requested to be sent to her parents?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess so…” Kuvira trails off as she leans back and looks down at her hands. Why would someone still live with someone they didn’t love? It was obvious you no longer tiptoed around her feelings so it can’t be just to appease her. “But if she still loves me, how do I fix this?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is something you both will need to work on, not just you. It will take a lot of time, and we will have to talk about your feelings but also your past to help you, do you think you can do that for me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It took her months to give you a nugget of her childhood and even longer to finally talk about her feelings with you, it’s something she still isn’t good at. Both are something she has difficulty with, but for you? Well, she’d traverse the whole world for you, give it all to you if asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Kuvira breathes, “Okay I can do that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>And so you take up gardening, your father brings you supplies along with a shelf to place in front of one of the windows to place different pots so you have more to work with. He teaches you the basics and smiles when he sees you get lost in thought while gently patting the dirt around the newly placed Mint Plant. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s not as easy for Kuvira, her hobbies consist of sparring, dancing, and at times she liked to silently geek out over Varrick and Baatar’s inventions. The apartment is too small to practice fighting stances or to dance, and there isn’t an invention insight to focus on. So one day when your dad is about to leave, Kuvira asks him to help her find something she might like. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He offers a smile and nods. A few days later he comes over with a basket full of things for her to try, when he places the ball of yarn along with a handbook on the basics of knitting, Kuvira scrunches her nose up at the idea. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then he places a cookbook down and a beginners' origami kit down before placing a medium-sized package that has</span>
  <em>
    <span> ‘Embroidery’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>scrawled across it in chicken scratch writing. Lastly, he carefully sets down a blank sketchbook with three different types of ways to fill it in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you don’t like any of these I can bring more,” he says with a smile. Kuvira feels so grateful for your father, the few times your mom has stopped by since that fateful day she’s never acknowledged her existence. But your father always asks about her day and tries to spend some time with her before leaving. It’s surprising, but not unwelcome. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, hopefully, one of these works out,” she smiles back and goes to pick up the cookbook to flick through the pages. He walks away to go check on you as he always does and as always you’re in the garden lovingly tending to your plants. You seem to put more care and affection into your work than you do with Kuvira. How can she be jealous of plants?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The cookbook has some decent looking recipes inside, to be honest, the only cooking Kuvira has ever really done was that night with the dumplings. She grew up on the Beifong estate where they had a chef and when she moved into the barracks after becoming a guard they had a team of men and women who cooked meals for them. She even hired someone to cook for them on the train. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It would probably be best for her to learn, especially once your year on house arrest is up, so she carefully sets it back down to use later before shifting through the other items with a curious eye. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next few weeks she tries them all out, knitting lasts two days before she throws the damn yarn and needles into the trash with disdain and Kuvira accidentally breaks the embroidery hoop fifteen minutes into trying it out. She’s okay at origami but it’s boring, she finishes all the different designs quickly and stares at the collection of stars and swans with a dull expression. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She kind of likes cooking, with the book in hand she ends up making breakfast, lunch, and dinner, much to your surprise. The eggs are a bit overdone, so she’ll have to work on that and lunch has a bit of a char to one side of it which she sees you try to scrape off. But dinner is decent and to her, that’s a win. It could use more salt and the soup probably would be better if she let it cook for longer, but she’ll take this small victory and wear it like a badge of honor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lastly is the sketchbook, she stares at the blank page in frustration as nothing comes to mind, what is she meant to do with this? Your father brought a beginner's water coloring kit, a set of charcoal pencils, and colored pencils. She bits her lip as her eyes flit between the three and she grabs the charcoal, that seems good to begin with. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She spends the whole day trying to draw a panda lily that never turns out quite right which drives her mad. The first attempt just looks like a blob, the second a slightly nicer looking blob and the third finally has a hint of the shape she's going for if you stare at it hard enough. So she works with that and tries to remind herself that when she picked up sparring she could barely throw a punch, everything takes time and practice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When you enter to fill up your watering can you sneakily peek over her shoulder, surprised to see her drawing, before walking back out of the house. It’s good she’s picking up a new hobby, part of you is proud of her, not that you’ll tell her though. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sessions with Dr. Hanika continue and with each one, Kuvira forces herself to open up a bit more with the motivation that maybe you’ll finally start to talk to her like Dr. Hanika says you will. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she tells Dr. Hanika about her pursuit of drawing, she tries to play it off by saying “I’m only doing it because I don’t like being bad at things.” They both know that's a lie, drawing has pleasantly consumed her time as she strives to draw beautiful things to one day give to you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nights are spent the same, you go to bed and when Kuvira enters an hour later you’re passed out with two pillows placed at the center of the bed to block her from touching you. Her heart breaks as she takes a chance to look at you, the first time that day. There’s a small smile on your lips, you have the blanket tucked up to your neck with one hand resting under your head. You're having a good dream and she silently hopes that she’s part of it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She knows she can’t sleep in the living room like that first night, even if neither of you touches one another the heat of her body still comforts you, the slight dip that lets you know you aren’t alone. So she changes into her pajamas and slides onto her side of the bed with a sigh. </span>
  <em>
    <span>One day those pillows will be gone,</span>
  </em>
  <span> she tells herself. </span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Your routine is broken in the third week of the second month on house arrest. Kuvira is getting lunch ready when there’s a knock at the door, breaking the peaceful silence that lulls through the air. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You place your dirty gardening gloves on the table which has Kuvira letting out a sigh, knowing one of you will have to clean that up before eating, as you walk towards the front door. Your father just barges in at this point with a cheerful hello to announce his presence whilst your mom knocks three times every single time. This is one knock, which means it's someone new. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You don’t know who you expect on the other side of the door, but the avatar was far down on your list of prospects. “Oh, hello,” you say, your voice laced with confusion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is Kuvira here?” She asks and then seems to realize her mistake. “Oh yeah, can I speak to her?” By now Kuvira is done making lunch and heads over to the front door upon hearing her name. She tries not to show her shock at seeing Korra here, but she must be doing a bad job because the younger woman continues. “I need to talk to you about Commander Guan.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You both let the avatar in, neither of you thinking this conversation should take place in the hallway of your apartment complex. The times you’ve spotted your neighbors they send a hateful glare your way. Talking about an old Empire commander will not help ease the anger they hold towards you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She slowly walks into your home, looking around with furrowed brows as she takes in the walls, the furniture, and the over-abundance of plants. Whatever Kuvira just made smells delicious and the scent wafts through the living space, confusing her further. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She knows it’s stupid, but Korra expected Kuvira’s apartment to be a lot less homey and a lot more cold and lifeless. She sits down in the cream armchair, whilst the two of you sit down on opposite ends of the couch. That action confuses her more than the apartment does, last time she saw the two of you, you seemed attached at the hip. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This placement reminds Kuvira too much of the first therapy session, she has to bite her tongue and will herself to stay put instead of walking away to brood in the bedroom. “What do you need to know about Commander Guan?” you ask. You sound so calm that it drives Kuvira mad, doesn’t this make you uncomfortable, doesn’t it remind you of that day as well? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Were you aware his troops never surrendered?” You let out a gasp of surprise as Kuvira balks. Was this another one of her secrets? Another grand plan up her sleeve, just wait and stay quiet with you, playing some form of pretend until he came to get her? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I swear, Kuvir-” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No I was not aware,” she says in that all too familiar tone she uses when trying to hide her anger. She side-eyes you, looking hurt at your accusation. Do you really think so little of her now?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>None of this goes unnoticed by Korra as she looks between the two of you for any kind of clue that she may be lying. Kuvira forces herself to speak, “Guan is a cunning strategist with a keen mind. I put him in charge of the southern forces because I knew he could keep that region in line.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If Guan hasn’t surrendered by now then that means he’s plotting something. I’d treat him like a barrel of blasting jelly with a very short fuse.” You’ve only met Guan a handful of times, each time as unpleasant as the last. He was an asshole who treated everyone that wasn’t Kuvira or Baatar like shit, including yourself. At one point Kuvira had to calmly put him in his place when he tried to demand you go fetch him a glass of whiskey. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you were in my position, how would you deal with him?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d take someone with me who Guan respects. Someone who can reason with him and bring him into line.” Your eyes widen, fully turning to look at Kuvira now. You know what she’s hinting at and you hate the idea with every fiber of your being. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” is all you manage to say. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You want me to bring </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Korra leans back in surprise, an incredulous look taking over her features as she stares Kuvira down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Guan’s not going to roll over just because the avatar asks him to. But if I meet with him face to face I guarantee I could convince him to concede defeat.” You might not be able to stomach the sight of Kuvira for too long without thinking of her betrayal or manage to talk to her but the idea of her leaving frightens you. What if she escapes and never comes back? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Korra stands with her fists clenched as she walks over to the door, “Thanks for the info but I think I can handle Guan without you.” The door slams behind her and the instant she’s out you’re storming over to the table to grab your gloves. You want to scream at her but you know it won’t do any good. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kuvira turns to you, she has this desperate kind of look on her face as she tries to scoot closer to you. “I can be of help to them, Y/n.” You ignore her as you walk away, back to your little sanctuary. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. part three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The next day Korra returns with a look of defeat, she has a device in her hand and papers that Kuvira must sign in order to leave, all of which state she won’t run away, and if she does they will forcefully detain her and lock her up in prison. You think it’s kind of dumb to have her sign this, a contract won’t stop her if she does decide to escape.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going with,” you say with your arms crossed. Kuvira immediately straightens up, handing the pen back over to Korra. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No you're not, you're staying here where it’s safe,” she stares you down as you glare right back. Flashes of that day outside of Zaofu keep her up at night and haunt her dreams. She’s actually glad you’re on house arrest because at least you're tucked away and out of harm's way</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t control me anymore. He’s not here for you to hold above my head, so I am going with you and you can’t stop me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uhm…” Korra starts, looking between the two of you, “I’m only authorized to take Kuvira.” The poor Avatar has no clue what you're talking about, she’s heard a few rumors from Bolin and even Lin, but she’s too afraid to ask either of you. She wouldn’t be surprised if one of you slapped the other right now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But I know Commander Gu-” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He doesn’t respect you, he tried to treat you like a waitress last time he saw you. If you're there it will make me look weak like I need someone by my side and…” Kuvira squeezes her eyes shut before reopening them. “You almost died last time you were involved with empire business.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, so we’re back to worrying about appearances, </span>
  <em>
    <span>spirits</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I thought those sessions were helping in some way.” You spit out before storming off to the bedroom, slamming the door shut. You hear the sound of them talking as you sit on the edge of the bed, your head in your hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That small voice inside your head still rooting for her, the one that still believes in Kuvira is scolding you for snapping but you can’t help yourself. It seems that all the words inside of you meant for her have rotted and turned into venom. A few minutes go by before there’s a gentle knock at the door, you find yourself frozen, unable to move. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m…” Kuvira audibly sighs, “I’m leaving, I’ll be back in a few days most likely…” She waits for you to respond, you want to say something so bad, you want to beg for her to stay but it feels like your mouth has been sewn shut. “I love you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sounds of her footsteps receding before the front door gently clicks shut pulls you out of your frozen state, you race out of the bedroom and into the apartment with some kind of childish hope that she’s still there. But it’s empty, she’s gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest of the day is spent sitting on the couch with your knees tucked close to your chest, watching the door. You couldn’t talk to her or look at her but the knowledge that she was nearby always helped you in some way. But now she’s gone and it wouldn’t surprise you if she did try to run off, it’s not like there’s anything pleasant waiting for her back at home. You made sure to destroy any type of happiness left in this apartment after that first night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You eat dinner with the radio turned on to fill the house up with some form of life, stabbing at your piece of fish with a frown. You know what’s going to happen next and you're terrified of how it’ll go. Washing the few dishes in the sink you let out a defeated sigh before heading to the bathroom for a long hot shower to prolong the inevitable. Once done you take your time applying lotion and taking care of your hair before locking up the apartment for the night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Standing in the bedroom doorway you stare at the empty bed with a pounding in your chest. You can do this, you can sleep without her and live without her. Most likely you will end up living without her if she does what you think she’ll do so you need to get used to the lack of her in your life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You change into your pajamas before crawling into bed and when you turn on your side to face the wall of pillows you created. Tears gather in your eyes. What are you meant to do without her? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You fall asleep a few hours later after calming down but don’t stay asleep for long, soon enough, like always, you're up and crying as you clutch at the blankets surrounding you. She’s left you once and for all, one final punishment to shut you up for life. It feels like the air is being squeezed out of your lungs as you choke on another sob, images of life without her playing through your mind, and suddenly you're reminded of how much you truly need her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At some point a few hours later you end up passing out in an uncomfortable position sprawled out across the bed with a pillow clutched to your chest. When you wake up your head is pounding from crying and your throat is dry, you feel like shit. You’ll have to accept that this is your life now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dr. Hanika arrives a few days later, news of Kuvira’s temporary release must have its way around the city because she already knows. You’re aware that you look like shit with bags under your eyes and that certain hollowness that has filled you with her absence. The house is a mess as well, dishes left in the sink, dirt smeared on the floors from your garden. You're in three-day-old pajamas and haven’t brushed your hair recently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Today I think we should talk about the codependency that is very much present in your relationship, I think addressing this issue and working out a few exercises to help you in the future will benefit you greatly.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You never really thought your relationship was codependent before, then again most people probably don’t fall apart with the absence of their partner so you can’t argue with her. Even if you wanted to, you don’t have the energy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And so she helps you make a plan, a list of things that may help you. When she tells you that it’s just trial and error at this point your shoulders sag.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> That night you try the first option, soothing yourself to sleep, you light a stick of lavender incense and attempt to meditate which ends up being unsuccessful, but you power through and keep trying before finally giving up and going to sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Option number one does not work.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So it’s time for option number two, you grab a heated water bottle and try to make a makeshift Kuvira out of some pillows before placing that on the bottom to keep them warm. It’s meant to imitate her and trick your mind into thinking she’s here, but when you wake up in the middle of the night reaching out for her because the warmth has since left her side of the bed, you realize it won’t work. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Option number two does not work. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There are a million little things on the list, all of which seem like they won’t work so when your eyes land on ‘get a pet’ a little bit of hope springs to life in your heart. Your dad is thrilled, you tell him a medium dog would most likely be best, so he rents a jeep and drives to the nearest town that has a kennel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You spend the day as you always do, tending to your garden and trying to distract yourself from the deafening silence. You guys didn’t talk anymore but the sound of her pencil meeting paper or cooking helped fill the air with the perfect amount of white noise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sun is high in the sky when your dad barges into the living room as you're eating a buttered roll, in tow is a medium-sized hound with droopy eyes and long, floppy ears. He has bags in his hands full of supplies with the biggest grin you’ve seen from him in a while. The dog begins to curiously sniff the furniture, it’s red fur standing out from the rest of the house. “I saw her and knew she was a keeper.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sets the supplies onto the dining room table and begins to slowly unload the bags. He ends up pulling out two dog bowls, kibble, some treats, toys, and a white-collar for her. The hound walks up to the table, her nose peeking out over the top as she sniffs the bag of treats.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I heard someone in town mention that Kuvira is back in Zaofu, where is she?” his brows pinch together as he looks around the apartment. Your heart drops as your grip on the roll tightens, she’s here, but she’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>here</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Did she take your statement to heart and go back to </span>
  <em>
    <span>him?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Is she currently wrapped tight in an intimate embrace with him, begging him to forgive her? Have they kissed yet? Is that stupid ring back on her finger? Your mind clouds with angry shouts of</span>
  <em>
    <span> ‘you’ve finally done it, you’ve pushed her away and now she’s gone for life.’ </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“W-What?” The tone of your voice must be enough to let your dad know that she is, in fact, not here because he walks up and pulls you into his arms. You don’t even realize you’re crying or that you’ve dropped your food, which the hound happily snaps up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s probably just going through some kind of inspection before they let her come back here,” he says in a reassuring tone. You nod. It feels like you’ve floated out of your body as he directs you to the couch where he sits you down before going to make you some tea. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The hound jumps up beside you and rests her head on your lap. She lets out a deep groan before closing her eyes, you're so out of it that you keep your hands tucked on your lap despite it being slightly uncomfortable with her head nudging your arm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Congratulations,</span>
  </em>
  <span> something vicious says within you, </span>
  <em>
    <span>you’ve lost her for good. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Your dad stays for dinner, he makes dumplings and patiently waits to see if the magic within them works, you offer a forced smile to try and placate him, but he can tell it's not genuine. When he leaves you stand utterly still in the living room, what do you do now? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The hound, which your father suggested naming Lily after the flower Panda Lily, shoves her cold, wet nose into your hand and sniffs. It pulls you out of your self-deprecating thoughts and you robotically move your feet to the dreaded bedroom. Without instruction Lily jumps up onto the bed, wagging her tail as she waits for you to climb in with her. When you tug the blankets up to your chest she flops down beside you and presses her body against your chest. You wrap an arm around her middle and force your eyes shut, this is going to be the norm now. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Two days later the bags under your eyes are gone, surprisingly Lily works. Her body heat tricks your mind into thinking it’s Kuvira and so each morning instead of bolting awake with a sense of dread filling you, Lily wakes you up with a lick on your cheek and a bark. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You fall into a slightly altered routine, now when you're tending to your vegetable garden in the yard Lily joins you, she tries to bite the leaves and even manages to dig a hole that has you laughing for the first time in months. When you eat she lays by your feet and watches with this adorable look that warms your heart and when you read she lays her head on your lap. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You still think about her, but now you think about her a little less. Now you can get through the day without crying. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s that evening on the third night of owning Lily that the front door opens, you have your back turned as you do the dishes, but she alerts you that someone is here with her bark. When you look over your shoulder your whole body freezes up at the sight of a bewildered Kuvira as Lily jumps up to try and give her some form of a hug. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck.” Lily licks her hand, trying to bite at the wrapped stems which has her yanking it out of the dog's reach. Your eyes land on what's in her hand, it’s a bouquet of sunflowers wrapped in white tissue paper. Your heart skips a beat at the sight. “Why is this dog here?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her question rips you out of your frozen state, you turn the water off and wipe your hands with a kitchen towel. “Uhm… Dad got her for me, well for us.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She seems surprised by your willingness to talk to her. Part of her wants to argue that such a decision should have been made together, but she’s just so happy that you aren’t yelling or saying anything snide. “I got you these,” her voice is quiet and hesitant as she walks over to hand the flowers over to you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You try to fight the smile threatening to pull your lips up but you can’t stop it, only minimize it into something small, but she still notices. “Thank you,” you reply in a soft, appreciative tone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They reduced my sentence to two years instead of three.” Your eyebrows shoot up in surprise as you look into her eyes, willingly. “I missed you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your grip on the bouquet tightens at her confession. “I…” Letting out a deep sigh, you continue, “I missed you too.” Part of you wants to take the four steps it’d take to be close enough to pull her into your arms. But you don’t think you're ready for that just yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She stands so still you think she may have turned into a statue. Inside her mind is practically shutting down, your words have caused some kind of momentary outage as she thinks of these last few months. Spirits these last few days were hell, the way things were left ate her up inside. It didn’t help that Bolin treated her just as badly as you did and while she didn’t like the man she knew you two were friends. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She deserves better,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> he spat out the second he saw Kuvira. He was right, you do, but Kuvira is too selfish to leave, to give you a chance at a better life. One where you wake up next to someone who’d never hurt you the way she did, who would never force you to hide or become someone you weren’t. Someone your mother could stand to look at. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>More snide comments from the lava bender were sent her way during the trip but the one that stuck out the most was one said right before everything went to shit. “She was willing to die for you but you couldn’t even remember her birthday.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At least you have a friend, one who hates her guts but one who will stand up for you. At least you had someone to turn to because she knows she never let herself be an option. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I missed you too,” is all she can come up with and a soft laugh leaves you. Spirits what did she do to deserve hearing that? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You already said that.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” Kuvira can’t find it in herself to be embarrassed, she’s too focused on you and that small smile, the way you softly touch some flower petals with such gentle and attentive care.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I haven’t forgiven you, but I’m willing to start trying.” That is more than enough for now. This magnificent feeling in her heart is perfect and the way that you smile at the flowers makes it all worth it. </span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Time slowly eases on, the pillows stay erected at the center of the bed, and whilst you still won’t touch her, you both slowly begin to talk again. She goes back to making the meals except now you try to help from time to time. You begin to slowly talk to her again during the day, it starts with a simple “How are you?” and has escalated into full-blown conversations. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Working with Dr. Hanika is grueling on both ends. You talk to her about slowly opening back up again but also about your fears, about how you feel bad for holding back because you can see how much she’s trying but you can’t help it. To which she always replies “you’ve been hurt by her, it’s okay to take your time and if anything it’s best to not rush any of this. I’m sure Kuvira understands.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kuvira talks to her about many things, mostly about you but also about her trip. Suyin forgives her, sort of. She told her that she’ll always have a family with the Beifongs and admitted she let her down. It was a relief to hear that and it made her feel slightly less awful about herself. Apologizing to Baatar Jr. was hard and incredibly awkward. At first, he wouldn’t look at her and even threw a tantrum about working alongside her but, after she willingly let him test the machine on her, something eased between them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After admitting how awful she was to him and how sorry she is the hostility between the two washed away. The only problem is it gave him the confidence to try and convince her that what they had was real. When she shot him down for what felt like the millionth time, irritation slowly started to rise within her, she may have snapped and said she only loved you and has only ever loved you. Unfortunately, that made her apology useless, he stormed off, and she hasn’t seen him since. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Korra made her uncomfortable. Apparently, she had recently found out that Asami was the one, and had asked her a few questions about… well loving another woman. She may have even tried to pry and get information on the current state of your relationship, mentioning something about it feeling off at the apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She had to admit these therapy sessions helped because a few months ago she would have ended Korra for bringing you up. All the breathing exercises she was taught were used throughout that whole trip and every time a negative comment was thrown her way she had to remind herself that she was different than before. That the Kuvira they all witnessed last summer is long gone and replaced with one desperately trying to make things right. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Leaves begin to slowly turn orange and fall to the ground in a heap. You begin to spend the days bundled up as you prepare your garden for next spring. It’s been a month and a half since Kuvira’s return, that’s eight sessions and eight weeks of slowly getting used to communicating again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Both of you are given different tasks on how to properly talk to one another. Dr. Hanika makes you realize that running from your problems won’t help, that shutting Kuvira out will only make things worse. She has you ask Kuvira to do small things for you, nothing extravagant but enough to help show you that she’s trying and enough to show her that you (healthily) depend on her to some small degree. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kuvira is given the task of making sure to do something with you every day. It’s kind of a task for the both of you but she gets to choose what it is and plans it out herself. The one activity you both end up enjoying is making dinner together, sometimes you’ll chat while skewering meat onto the kebab sticks and sometimes it’ll be spent in total silence, simply enjoying one's company whilst working together to make something. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The one task that has you shying away is touch. Nothing major, just a simple touch on the shoulder, perhaps gently bumping your hip against her own when making dinner or touching her arm to catch her attention. Nothing romantic, just simple and friendly. Something you’d be willing to do to a friend. The first time you do it is after the sun goes down. Kuvira is engrossed in her art and had asked you to tell her when you were done in the shower, so she could hop in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t realize it but you’re standing behind her clenching as anxiety wells up inside of you. It’s stupid and childish but it’s been so long and it’s meant to be small. You think of the simple touches at the beginning of your relationship, her hands brushing your hips to guide you in place or her fingertips ghosting over your bare shoulder. Even then it was romantic. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Releasing your fists you take a step forward before gently laying a hand on her shoulder to help rip her focus away from her sketchbook. The action does work in redirecting her attention but it also has her jumping in surprise, her charcoal pencil swerving across the page as it ruins whatever was being created. She doesn’t even realize it as her body whips around to see who it is. Even though she’s by the front door and therefore would know if anyone else was around, it shocks her to find you there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You with your oversized sleep shirt and baggy pajama pants with damp hair clinging to your neck. In an act of reflex, you pull your hand back, your eyes wide at her reaction. Neither of you speaks for a moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uhm…” You bite your lip, “I’m done in the shower.” She opens her mouth to reply but nothing comes out. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>touched</span>
  </em>
  <span> her. It’s been months of no contact and yet your hand was just on her shoulder, suddenly she’s angry at herself for wearing a long-sleeved shirt despite the slight chill, wanting to have felt your skin against her own. “I’m sorry I sho-” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No it’s…” Her throat feels so dry. Lily trots up to lick away a water droplet on your arm, you look down at the hound as you gently pull your arm away. She huffs before climbing onto the couch. “Uhm it’s fine.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kuvira repeatedly blinks, it’s such a small action </span>
  <em>
    <span>(except it’s not)</span>
  </em>
  <span> and her mind feels like it’s splitting in half at it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is your drawing okay? It looked like…” At your words, she peeks behind her shoulder, it’s ruined. The uniformed, perfect lines to create a rough sketch resembling a large metal flower has a large swerve of black across the page. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” she lies. You’ll feel bad and then maybe you won’t touch her again and Kuvira does </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> want that to happen. “Thanks, I’ll… Go, y’know.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Spirits if past her could see herself right now she’d be cringing. It’s not that hard to speak! </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Go shower’</span>
  </em>
  <span> is what she meant to say, but she forgets the word. You nod in understanding as you grip the bottom of your shirt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I’ll… I’m going to sleep.” This entire situation is awkward and you practically race out of there to get away. You're embarrassed and you don’t know why. Once in bed, you mentally berate yourself for being so stupid. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>An hour goes by, her showers don’t usually take this long and you're about to get up to check on her when she enters. She’s in her usual long-sleeved dark gray sleep shirt and sweatpants that hang low on her hips. She doesn’t make eye contact with you when she crawls into bed, to be honest, she kind of zoned out in the shower as she replayed that simple moment that hardly lasted three seconds. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s silent for a few beats before you break the silence. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kuvira’s eyes widen at your words, her head turns to look over at you, but not only is it pitch black, but the wall of pillows also keeps you out of sight. “You didn’t… I’m not uncomfortable.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I was just surprised.” It’s quiet again, so she continues, “please, if you want you can touch me in any way you want whenever.” She cringes, that sounded kind of sexual. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You stare up at the ceiling as you grip the blankets. “Okay, that’s good to know.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You both go to sleep smiling. </span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>The herb garden you have growing inside is coming along beautifully and now you guys can take small clippings from it for meals. Summer has long since passed and autumn is nearly over, it doesn’t get freezing here during the winter but it’s cold enough to destroy any crops that try to spring to life outside and so your time gardening is limited to the shelves inside.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A couple of weeks have gone by since that shoulder tap and each day you’ve mentally psyched yourself up into touching her again in some way. Kuvira has to use all of her self-control to keep from touching you back, this is meant to be at your pace and unless you ask her to, she will keep her hands to herself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You get a bit bolder, your touches lasting a little longer and the anxiety slowly lessens as the days go on. Now when cooking dinner if you need to brush past her, you might place a hand on her back to let her know you're behind her. Three days ago you pushed back a stray strand of hair for her while she had her hands dirty with oil and herbs as she prepared the duck for dinner. She might have tightly squeezed the raw meat to keep from leaning into your touch but you don’t seem to notice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This morning you woke up with a thought on your mind, a desire to try something that has you bouncing your leg throughout breakfast. Lily sits under the table in hopes of food to drop as you push your eggs around your plate. Kuvira watches you with a raised brow, a pit is growing in her stomach as she watches you stare down at your plate. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How’d you sleep?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your head whips up at her words, brows pinched together. It takes you a second to register her words before quickly replying “good, great.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Something’s wrong. Spirits did she say something in her sleep? She feels warmth flood her at the bits and pieces she remembers from her dream, none of it was currently possible with your situation, but she swears your lips on her skin felt real. She probably did say something, she’s made you uncomfortable and now you won’t want to be around her anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Breakfast continues in silence as you both mentally freak out over very different things. When you both decide to get up and start the day you go to grab her plate for her just as she’s picking it up. Your fingers touch and she’s waiting for you to flinch away in disgust but you don’t. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I got it,” your voice is soft and devoid of anger. In her stunned state, you're able to take her plate and carry it to the sink. You decide you’ll clean them up later after setting them down and take a deep breath.</span>
  <em>
    <span> Now or never</span>
  </em>
  <span>, you think. Walking back over to Kuvira who has since snapped out of her daze, you stand in front of her. Both of you stand stone still, just staring at one another. The prolonged eye contact seems too much so you rip your gaze away before clearing your throat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Please, if you want you can touch me in any way you want whenever.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remembering her words from a few weeks ago, you wrap your arms around her waist and pull her into a gentle hug. You don’t squeeze and give her room to pull away if she wants to. For a minute it’s just you hugging her as she stares down in surprise, you’ve since laid your cheek against her chest and closed your eyes. Your hair is a bit of a mess from sleeping and neither of you has gotten dressed for the day but this feels picture-perfect. She slowly wraps her arms around you, hugging you back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You both stand like that for a while as the morning light shines through the windows and casts a sort of warm glow on the room. You close your eyes and slowly relax in her arms, she’s warm and cozy, by being locked in here her muscles have slowly started to fade which you sort of miss but you don’t mind. This is friendly, right? You’ve hugged friends before, you hug your parents and Bolin and you’ve hugged Suyin. Zhu Li hugged you in the hospital and thanked you for helping her out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To Kuvira this feels amazing, her heart pounds away as she squeezes her eyes shut. It feels like a million years since having you in her arms. She doesn’t think she ever appreciated it enough, sure she loved it and craved your touch back then, but she didn’t know what it was like to lose you. To have you despise her and not able to stand the sight of her, let alone her touch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She never wants to let go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For a good portion of the morning, you both just stand there in each other's arms. At some point tears begin to cascade down your cheeks, this is a small step forward. You're proud of yourself for this and are so happy to be taking a step forward. There’s a lot more to go but you decide not to dwell on that as you simply bask in each other's presence. </span>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. part four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="">
    <p>You pick up reading again and sometimes Kuvira joins you, the both of you sit with your back resting against an armrest as your legs are tangled together.</p>
  </div>
  <div class="">
    <p>Lily is asleep on the armchair and jazz music softly plays from the radio as the newly repaired domes shut for the evening. Kuvira is humming as you turn the page of your novel and dog ear the corner before snapping it shut, she looks up from her book with a quirked brow. </p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I’m bored,” you groan out, tilting your head back in annoyance as you let the book slide onto your lap. “How are we gonna spend the rest of winter like this.”</p>
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  <p>“We’ll manage,” she replies, wedging a bookmark between the pages and softly shutting the book. “We should probably make dinner.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Resting your head against the back of the couch you eye the kitchen with a sigh. “We could make bean curd puffs, those are fun.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>And so the both of you end up in the kitchen with Kuvira making the mixture as you roll the dough into a thick stick, the countertops and even the floors are covered in flour as you begin to cut the roll into twelve pieces. You don’t notice the way Kuvira watches you, a small smile that's reserved only for you as she watches you begin to spread the pieces out with the palm of your hand. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>By now you're the one humming the song. Kuvira’s noticed how much you like this new song that plays on the radio, how you hum or softly sing the lyrics when it comes on. You catch her staring and raise a brow, a slight flush dusting your cheeks. “What?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Nothing,” she shakes her head. “You just look so beautiful.” You stop your movements, your mouth open in surprise. Neither of you has gone as far as complimenting the other, for the most part, an outsider might just think you’re roommates with how the two of you have been acting these last few months. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Abandoning the dough you try to fill your head with confident words as you turn to your soulmate and take the step to be closer to her. Kuvira’s grip on the spoon loosens as she watches you step closer and slowly bring your flour-covered hands to rest on her cheeks. “You look... Really pretty.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>And she does, she’s started to wear her hair down for you and she’s dressed in a white tank top and light green sweatpants which might not be appealing to some but it shows off her muscles and curves in a way that she knows you like. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Taking the chance you lean forward and gently press your lips against hers. You haven’t kissed since the hospital which was midsummer, the months have gone by so slowly and with it, your anger has dissipated into a dull flame within you. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Hesitantly she kisses you back, one of her hands goes to rest on your hip but she doesn’t hold it in fear of you pulling away. She’s had dreams of you finally kissing her again, none involve standing in the middle of the kitchen with flour covering one of you but she doesn’t care.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She just wants you. Slowly you pull your lips away from hers but don’t move an inch away from her body. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I’ve missed this,” she admits, “I’m sorry.” She doesn’t say what she’s sorry about but you know, there’s honestly too much for her to apologize for her to fit it into one simple sentence.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>And you know you’ll need quite a few more <em>I’m sorry‘s </em>before you reach that next step but right now you won’t ask for more. Right now you wrap your arms around her neck and begin to sway to the song on the radio. It’s one of your favorites. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Kuvira slowly wraps her arms around your waist and tucks her face into the crook of your neck, breathing you in like she hasn’t seen you in years. To be fair it’s felt like that to her. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>A part of her wants to shower you in <em>I love you’s</em> but she doesn’t think it’s time for that just yet. Dr. Hanika said it’s best to let you make the first move this time around, to give you the control and decision making she originally took from you all those years ago. So instead she pulls you just a fraction closer to help keep her mouth shut. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You take the soft barrier of pillows down, neither of you moves to touch the other but it’s comforting to know that you won’t push her off the bed if her arm brushes against your own.</p>
  <p> </p>
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</div><div class="">
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Your parents come over for the winter solstice with presents aplenty and grins on their faces. They pull you into their arms and press loving kisses on your cheek, your dad does the same to Kuvira whilst your mom simply sends a forced smile her way before going to love on Lily. She understands your mother's hatred towards her, she just hopes one day they can talk it out for you. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The two of you had spent the day making cookies and homemade hot chocolate to prepare for your parents, the house smells of cinnamon and sugar as plates upon plates of cookies are set at the counter waiting to be eaten. Your father replaces the wilting bouquet with one filled with red, white, and gold and your mother sets the presents down in front of the window.  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You both felt bad for not being able to get them presents, but your father had assured both of you that they understood. Besides, they just wanted to make up for the lost time. So you all sit around the table eating the feast the two of you had prepared and drinking wine, your dad is regaling Kuvira with a story of your tenth winter solstice where you had accidentally drunk your mother's wine. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Your mom places her head in her hands and groans “I felt like the worst mother in the world.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Hey, you're not,” you say with a grin. “You held my hair back a few hours later and the worst mother in the world wouldn’t do that.” The table erupts into boisterous laughter as she playfully glares at you. Kuvira takes a sip of her wine as she chuckles, her cheeks hurt from smiling.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She turns a blind eye when she notices your dad slipping Lily a chunk of meat, knowing you're trying to train her to not beg. He pats the hound’s head as the conversation continues, this time your mom is telling everyone about some of her weirdest experiences with drunk people in Zaofu. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The night continues much the same until finally, you all decide to retire to the living room. Kuvira decides to sit on the armchair so the three of you can snuggle up on the couch. You surprise her by walking over and sitting on her lap, laying your back against her chest. She rests her chin on your shoulder and wraps her arms around your waist, a smile of contentment gracing her lips. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Your mother ignores the display and hands you the first present on the pile, explaining that it’s for Lily. You quirk a brow at that before ripping the paper off and opening the box up. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Inside is a knitted dark green sweater with the words “I’m the favorite” stitched across the chest in white. You snort, bringing a hand up to cover your mouth and even Kuvira laughs at the sight. The I in favorite has been replaced by a middle finger, this is 100% your mothers doing, it has her humor plus your dad can’t knit. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Thank you,” you say as you begin to calm down. “I think she’ll love this.” Your dad takes it from you to put it on Lily who wags her tail back and forth in excitement at the attention. It fits her perfectly and the words can be seen from your seat on Kuvira’s lap. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Next, is a cranberry sweater made for you that is super comfortable, a few pairs of thick socks for the both of you to share. New books and a new pair of gardening gloves. At some point during the unwrapping, you hear the shudder of a camera a few times, your father holding it up to capture memories for the two of you. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>There’s only two presents left in the pile and this time your dad hands this one specifically to Kuvira, who pinches her brows together in confusion. You shift a bit on her lap to give her more room to open it up, watching with bated breath to see what it could possibly be. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Inside is a new sketchbook that’s leather-bound with a sleek metal clasp that locks. It’s wider and thicker than her current one which is running out of space and beneath the book is more charcoal pencils to add to her depleting collection. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She thickly swallows as her hand runs over the beautifully engraved leather that has her initials in swirly letters at the bottom. It’s simple and it’s hers. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>With the Beifong’s it was usually things for sparring or extravagant gifts that anyone but Kuvira would prefer like fancy tunics and those massive metal necklaces they all wore. She’d sit in the back of the group staring at the gifts that felt like they didn’t really belong to her with a heavy heart.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>But this is 100% hers. You brush a pesky strand of hair out of her face for her before turning to give your dad a thankful smile. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You knew he’d get her something but you worried about what it might be. Seeing her reaction is enough to know that your father's streak of perfect gift giving has not been broken. Carefully, as if worried she may break it, Kuvira places it back inside its box for now and looks up, offering your father the faintest of grateful smiles. He understands though and beams at her appreciation. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The last gift is also for Kuvira, it’s a heavy box that she slowly rips open, taking her time unlike you with your gifts. When she lifts the lid she’s met with soft emerald green fabric, slowly pulling it out you help her by taking the empty box, setting it on the floor. It’s a knitted sweater like yours. It looks like it’s a size too big for her but you once told her that’s how your mom knits, the bigger the better. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She doesn’t know what to say or do, you mentioned offhandedly how your mom makes everyone in the family sweaters for Winter Solstice, but she didn’t expect to get one as well. Not only is she not a family member, but she’s not even a friend. That nagging voice in her brain tells her that she probably didn’t make this. Maybe your mom bought it from a store or maybe you guilted her into making one. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>But it’s soft and it’s beautiful and it’s hers. Nothing extravagant (although at times Kuvira does miss the finer things in life) or flashy. The emerald goes great with your cranberry, and she wonders if your mother thought of that or if it's just a coincidence.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Kuvira grips the fabric and looks up to see your mom watching with a pensive look. She takes a sip of her wine as Kuvira softly says “Thank you, for the gifts.” It’s directed at the both of them but her eyes stay on your mother who simply nods. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Shortly after, your parents call it a night and leave and you carefully extract yourself from her hold to hug them both. When you pull your mother into a hug you whisper softly “thank you, mom. It means a lot.” She nods, she doesn’t hug Kuvira, not ready for that, and offers her a nod of the head before leaving with your father. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>As you're cleaning up the mess of wrapping paper and half-empty wine glasses, Kuvira shyly slips the sweater on to see if it fits and is surprised by how comfortable it is. The sleeves go past her wrist and graze at her knuckles and the sweater stops at the tops of her thighs. She looks down at the sweater, so many emotions that she can’t keep track of race through her mind and it’s so loud that she accidentally tunes you out. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Your back is facing her as you begin to wash the dishes, you're talking to her about what you’ll do with all these leftover cookies. When she doesn’t reply to your joke about having a cookie eating contest you look over your shoulder and stop scrubbing the dish in your hands. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The color makes her hair look slightly darker and brings out her eyes. She’s running her fingers over the fabric with a blank face and you wish to know what’s going on in that head of hers. She looks softer, less harsh with it on. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>For so long you’ve seen her dressed ready to fight with a hardened look on her features, but right now she looks warm and cozy. She looks like safety and comfort personified, like if she wraps her arms around you a cocoon of soft blankets and loving whispers will encase the two of you. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You stop with the dishes and wipe your hands dry before walking up to Kuvira, when your hands go to gently touch hers it brings her out of her thoughts. Her eyes are clouded with emotion as you pull her into your arms. She wraps her arms around your waist and tightly grips at your shirt as she begins to cry. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>To her, this is the first step in repairing a relationship she deeply misses, Kuvira and your mother were once close when she was in the guard. She sometimes brought her lunches which she now knows must have been made by your dad and always had her back. She cheered the loudest at her ceremony and even offered to have her come over for dinner to which Kuvira declined, not wanting to impose. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>When she left those years ago she didn’t realize what she was severing, what she was destroying, and she knows she can’t change it, but she wishes she had stayed in Zaofu. They could have had three winter solstices together by now if she had just stayed put.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You wouldn’t be in the process of forgiving her because she would have left Baatar for you and you’d probably already be married or on your way to it. She knows that such a thing has been put on the back burner and won’t happen for a long time now, but she hates herself for destroying all those possibilities. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>But you don’t seem to mind the past as you pull her closer and soothingly rub her back. Your embrace reminds her of the present and what will hopefully be the future. At this moment she’s realized how far the two of you have come within the past few months. It reminds her that Dr. Hanika said not to let the past consume you and that when Kuvira smiles you look so happy to witness such a thing. That despite all her wrongdoings you're still here which is more than she ever expected. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>That night Kuvira falls asleep in that sweater with your arms wrapped around her. She dreams of a future where she’s gained your mother’s respect and your forgiveness. </p>
  <p> </p>
  <hr/>
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Spring comes like a force to be reckoned with. Your garden is teeming with the buds of the seeds you planted last fall as you happily spend your days back outside. The sessions with Dr. Hanika have proceeded and all gone smoothly, today was meant to be your first couples session since last summer. Both of you are nervous about what might happen during it so you throw yourselves into separate activities to pass the time. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Lily is lying by your side, leisurely eating grass as you pull at the weeds that have attacked your precious garden. While you're doing that Kuvira is inside drawing with a cup of tea by her side, she’s gotten better but is by no means a professional, she hasn’t even shown you any of her work due to the insecurities she has regarding her skill. You understand thankfully, never once have you asked to look inside or pressured her.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>When the doorbell rings, the both of you freeze, your nerves amplifying at the realization that there is no going back. Kuvira snaps her sketchbook shut, locking it with her bending before going to open the door. She’s been dreading this day the most. In her dreams last night she envisioned a session far worse than the last. In it, you verbally decimated her before saying it was over, that you could never love someone so monstrous. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>To bring her comfort she’s wearing your mother's green sweater with a pair of your leggings. When she asked this morning if she could borrow them you didn’t seem to mind which eased her nerves a bit. You wouldn’t be willing to share clothes with her if you were planning to end it today. At least that’s what she told herself.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>While Dr. Hanika is getting situated in the armchair you finally come inside and place your gloves on your herb shelves. Your pants have dirt-stains on them and you know it’d probably be best to change but you want to get this over with so you take a seat on the couch, next to Kuvira. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Well, I can already tell you guys have been doing better,” she smiles. You tuck your hands under your legs as she begins to talk. She asks you both questions about your day like what does that consist of? How do you guys communicate now? Are you happy? You both take turns answering those questions and when you get to the last you answer honestly and say “Yes, I am.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Kuvira doesn’t show it but inside she’s doing cartwheels at your words. She looks over at you and replies after you “I’m happy.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“And what does your sex life look like right now?” That question stuns both of you. Kuvira just stares at the coffee table with wide eyes, not knowing how to reply as you flush a deep red. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Uhm we haven’t…” You shake your head. “Not since before.” Before the end of my empire, Kuvira thinks. Not since that night almost a year ago where she thought you had finally left her, the night before it all went to shit. Not since your dream that finally made you snap, not that she blames you. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Not since<em> “I can’t look at you right now!”</em> and the crack in her heart that followed those words. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Y/n, what is holding you back from taking that next step?” Dr. Hanika readies her pen as she patiently waits for your reply. Honestly, you’ve wanted to for the last couple of weeks but then you go to sleep and dream of her with him. Your mind keeps reminding you of her betrayal despite desperately wanting to move forward. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Nervously you wring your hands and let out a deep sigh. “Uhm, I just keep picturing him.” You try to keep your voice neutral, try to not spit out that last word even though every part of you wants to. Kuvira stiffens beside you and coughs. “I want to but every time I close my eyes it’s images of them together.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“How does that make you feel, Kuvira?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Honestly? Awful…” Kuvira quickly adds “but not angry or anything. I just feel awful because I’ve done this to her and us.” She has to add that she’s not angry. In the past, she was almost always angry, and she needs you to know she’s not mad at you. This is her fault, and she’s aware of that now. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“From my understanding, your sex life was a bit complicated in the past. Kuvira you’ve told me that you’d withhold yourself as a form of punishment, is that correct?” She nods. “It seems like you used sex as a reward which is an unhealthy way to look at such an intimate activity. I think the two of you shouldn’t rush this and only do it once you fully trust Kuvira again.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You nod, not being able to look at either of them at the moment. You want to trust her and for the two of you to be happy and in love but no matter how hard you try you can’t step over that line. It’s terrifying and you're worried that once you finally do trust her again this peacefulness will disappear and be replaced with the animosity that once used to rule your relationship.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Okay…” You say. Kuvira nods in agreement. The session continues much as it did before that question was asked. It’s a bit tense now and the hour passes on with forced replies up until the end. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I have some trust exercises. I want the two of you to practice for the next couple of weeks, maybe even months. You both need to be patient and understand that trust is a very hard thing to earn back and give to someone who’s deeply hurt you. The fact that both of you are still trying just shows how much you want to make this work.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She begins to write a list of things on her notepad before ripping off the page and handing it to you. Both of you lean forward to read over the list together as Dr. Hanika packs up for the day. </p>
</div><ol class="">
<li class=""><em>Talk about your fears, be open, and accepting of what your partner has to say.</em></li>
<li class=""><em>Look into each other's eyes for thirty seconds, try to work yourself up to three minutes.</em></li>
<li class=""><em>Tell your partner why you love them.</em></li>
<li class=""><em>Ask for what you need to do in order to gain Y/n’s trust again.</em></li>
<li class=""><em>Have a calm conversation where you ask each other questions</em></li>
<li class=""><em>Compliment each other</em></li>
</ol><p></p><div class="">
  <p>“Next week I’d like to do one on one sessions and the week after that we’ll do another couple's session. I’d like for the two of you to work on these until then. Remember to not rush this, it’s okay to take your time.” She shows herself out, softly shutting the door behind her. Silence falls as the two of you anxiously re-read the words. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Should we do one now?” Kuvira asks. You shrug and softly set the piece of paper on the coffee table. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I guess? But I don’t know which one to start with. I mean there’s so many.” Kuvira rakes a hand through her hair and sighs. She looks over it again, that top one scares Kuvira, she doesn’t know if she wants to hear your fears or tell you hers. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Number two looks easy, we could try that?” And so you do. The both of you twist around on the couch until you are directly facing each other, knees touching as you mentally psych yourself up. “Thirty seconds isn’t too long.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You nod and take a deep breath before looking up and locking eyes with Kuvira. The first few seconds it seems easy and you feel silly for getting worked up at the prospect but as time ticks on you start to see why she listed it in the first place. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Prolonged eye contact is intimate. Staring into Kuvira’s eyes for this long makes you feel bare and you quickly realize how much you don’t like that. Ripping your eyes away at the 25 seconds mark, you tense up. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I’m sorry.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“No it’s fine, it’s okay.” Kuvira hesitates before placing a hand on your shoulder and offering a comforting squeeze. “It’s gonna take some time, I understand.” She wishes it didn’t, she wishes it didn’t pain you to simply look at her for only thirty seconds. But she swallows that down and offers you a reassuring smile. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Thank you,” you say, you don’t even realize the iron grip you had on your ankles during the attempt and release them with a shaky sigh. “We’ll get there, right?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Right.” </p>
  <p> </p>
  <hr/>
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You mess up four days later. Continuing with the eye contact exercises you work your way up to thirty-five seconds which feels like such a victory. You try to compliment her cooking, and she compliments the way your garden is coming along. It’s going so well and you're so tired of this that you go too fast too soon and you have no one else to blame but yourself. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Both of you have a glass of wine with dinner which leaves you slightly buzzed but not tipsy. When you're getting ready for bed your eyes follow Kuvira’s legs that are starting to lose some of their definition.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She’s wearing a pair of shorts due to the recent heat with a tank top and suddenly that desire you’ve tried to ignore these past few weeks comes rearing up with no control. And so you sit on the bed with your knees tucked underneath you and grab Kuvira’s hand as she goes to grab the covers to pull back. She looks at you with furrowed brows as you pull her closer until she’s sitting on the bed as well. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>In her mind, she thinks that maybe you want to practice eye contact again but is left in a state of shock when you place your lips against her own. Her breath hitches when your hands go to cradle her face as you shuffle closer. Kuvira desperately wants to kiss you back but knows she can’t, so she gently pushes you away, you reluctantly let her. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Panting, you ask “don’t you want to?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Of course I do but Y/n are you ready? Dr. Ha-” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I’m ready, I promise,” you place a gentle kiss on her jaw, a place you know she loves. She lets out a shaky sigh. “I want you Kuvira, <em>please</em>.” And fuck, who’s she to deny you when you say please? So Kuvira gently grips your chin and presses her lips against your own. She doesn’t push you and leads like she used to so you thread your fingers through her hair and tug, eliciting a moan from your lover. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You climb onto her lap as you begin to pick up the pace and gently tug on her lower lip with your teeth. Kuvira wraps her arms around your waist, her hands resting on your ass to keep you close. That heat that you’ve missed begins to pool within you, your whole body feels like it’s been lit with desire and you don’t want that feeling to ever leave. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>When Kuvira squeezes your ass, ripping a moan out of you it gives her the perfect opportunity to prod her tongue in your mouth. Your tongues meld together in a way that shoots right down to your core, it feels so right, so hot and maybe your therapist was wrong about waiting. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>When Kuvira goes to pull away she sucks on your tongue and slowly lets go of it. You both look into each other's eyes as you pant before Kuvira attaches her lips to your neck. Tilting your head to the side you breathe out her name as she bites down on <em>that</em> spot that drives you up the wall. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The moan that leaves your lips is sure to wake the neighbors. Kuvira feels smug about it. Let them all know how good she can make you feel. When she pulls away she stops to admire her handiwork and smirks at the big purple hickey that could be seen from across a room. She leaves open mouth kisses up your neck and your jaw, before pulling you back into a bruising kiss.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You both make out for who knows how long, you just know that you want to feel every part of her after such a long time. The kiss is fiery and full of long contained passion that’s bursting at the seams. You only pull away for a moment to breathe before pulling her back in, not being able to take a second away from her lips. At some point, you push Kuvira down onto the bed and lay your body against hers. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You make sure not to fully put all your weight on her, placing a hand down above her head as neither of you pulls away from the other. Her hands trace up and down your sides, fingertips skimming the tops of your breasts in a teasing manner that has you grinding down for any type of friction. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You make yourself pull away from her, wanting to finally feel her body like you dreamed of. The sight before you has you groaning, her hair is a mess, spread out across the pillows and her cheeks are flushed. Kuvira’s lips are bruised, and she stares at you with eyes so dark with lust it feels like they're swallowing you whole. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Beautiful…” You whisper, Kuvira continues to pant as she watches you. Your hands slide down her body, feeling at the muscles that are just barely there before reaching the hem of her tank top. You slide a hand underneath, your fingers running across her stomach. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Kuvira leans her hips up and glares. “Take it off,” she growls out impatiently. You grin as your fingers grip the ends of her shirt and pull it off, she leans up to help you and you toss it somewhere behind you. She’s not wearing any wrappings and spirits, she looks so beautiful. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Fuck, I want you so bad.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Her words seem to snap something into place that was askew this whole time. Suddenly painful images flash through your mind, ones you’ve tried so hard to bury. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>Baatar’s above her as he takes one of her nipples into his mouth with that sickening grin. She moans out his name as a hand reaches up to grip his stupid hair. Kuvira arches her back in pleasure as his other hand trails down to her clothed sex.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Next thing you know you’re jumping off of her and scrambling off the bed as a pained whimper escapes your lips. Kuvira bolts up, confusion written on her face before she sees tears begin to fall. Her face drops at the sight. “Y/n…” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You shake your head, not being able to talk for fear of letting out some kind of ugly sound before rushing off to the bathroom where you empty the contents of your stomach into the toilet. You stay seated on the floor with the bathroom door locked as you cry into your hands. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The next morning you can only maintain eye contact for ten seconds. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>One step forward, two steps back.</em>
  </p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. part five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="">
  <p></p>
  <div class="">
    <p>The next few days are tense, at night you don’t put the barriers back up which Kuvira feared would happen, but you don’t make any move to hold her like you used to. You're stiff as a board until you fall asleep where your unconscious body seems to relax and you roll over to cuddle against her. You continue with the eye contact in the morning like always but you can’t get seem to get past fifteen seconds.</p>
  </div>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It’s unbearably quiet during the day, you’ve caved back into yourself to try and protect what little bit of your heart you have left. Kuvira doesn’t know but when you close your eyes that awful image reappears in your mind. That anger that still simmers within you wants to lash out again and push her away but you’ve worked so hard to get where you are that you rein it in and force yourself not to snap. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It’s on the third day during breakfast that Kuvira suggests something, hoping it may help. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I think we should do the first exercise on Dr. Hanika’s list,” she says, her voice quiet and hesitant. You’ve been mostly silent, only talking when you need to and Kuvira’s respected that. She wants this to get better, not for the sex but because it broke her heart listening to you cry in the bathroom the other night. That face you made before you left the bedroom will forever be ingrained in her mind. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I don’t know…” You rack your brain as you try to remember what number one was. When you finally settle on it you're filled with an uneasy feeling pooling in your gut.</p>
  <p>
    <em>1.Talk about your fears, be open, and accepting of what your partner has to say.</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Please Y/n, I think it’ll be good for us.” These past couple of months she’s used that word more than she ever has. The old Kuvira, the one who didn’t feel your blood on her hands, that didn’t think what she was doing was wrong, that felt no remorse would not believe her eyes if she saw what she is now. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She admitted her mistakes in Republic City in front of the court, helped the Avatar take down what used to be her men, apologized to Baatar, and spends her days trying to atone for what she’s done to you. Out of all the things she regrets, hurting you is at the top of that list. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You bite your lip before shakily nodding. You don’t want to hurt her but the fears you have are brutal and it feels like they’re killing you at times. Knowing what it feels like to be on death's door gives you the chance to know first hand how bad it truly is. And honestly, these images of another great betrayal hurt just as badly. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Uhm…” You wet your lips, you're so tense and you struggle to find the words. What do you fear? Lots of things, you fear Tigerdillos and Bolin five days without showering (it only happened once but the stench could have taken out an army). </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You fear she’ll leave you once her two years are up. Or better yet, she’ll keep you around like she did before but turn him into her little secret. You fear that once the anklet comes off, Kuvira will revert to her old self, and with time and self-reflection you’ve realized that the old Kuvira isn’t good for you. You fear that if she does turn into her old self, you won’t be strong enough to leave.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I can start?” Her tone is soft, she never used to talk so calmly. Even in her softer moments, there was still that edge, but now it’s replaced with this hesitant nature. You can feel the sincerity in her words now, there’s no second-guessing her like before. You nod again. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I fear that you’ll never trust me again,” she slowly reaches across the table to thread her fingers through yours. You gulp, that’s the most touching you two have done since that night. “I understand why you don’t, but I fear that we’ll never reach a healthy place, one where we don’t need weekly sessions with Dr. Hanika.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I...” Kuvira sighs, her shoulders slumping. “I fear I’ll never be what you need and that soon enough you’ll leave me because of it.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Your eyes widen at her words, on instinct you want to soothe her and tell her everything is going to be alright. You want to hold her like before and ease her fears like you used to do during her raging moments. You have to hold yourself back to keep from doing that. Lying to her won’t do either of you any good. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She waits for you to reply, the clock ticks by as you struggle to find the words. As the second's tick by Kuvira feels panic swell inside of her. She doesn’t like being vulnerable or open, she’s gotten better at it but still hates the exposed feeling it comes with. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Your mouth suddenly feels dry, you use your free hand to pick up your glass of water and take a sip. Her eyes follow your movements, and she has to look away when you place the glass back down, her mind wanting to focus on your lips. In the past, she could ease her fears with physical activities. She could pull you into a breathtaking kiss that did all the talking for her and feel ten times better afterward. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I understand your feelings,” you think of your sessions with Dr. Hanika. Of the exercises, she gave you months ago about how to healthily speak to your partner. “And I can’t make any promises because I don’t know what the future holds but… I know that it might seem small, but we’ve made progress.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You give her hand a gentle squeeze. “I couldn’t stand the idea of touching you again last summer, but we’ve worked through that, we’re talking again too. It’s slow but it’s progress and I think if we keep trying and accept her guidance we can reach a much better place than what we used to have.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She lets out a shaky breath, “You think so?” You nod, and you see some of that tension in her wash away. You know it’s your turn now and you’d rather go hide under the covers than talk about your fears. But Kuvira talked about hers and you know that took a lot of effort and courage on her part.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I guess I’m afraid that once you're given your freedom back you won’t want me and all the effort that comes with loving me, and you’ll go back to him because I know the two of you were friends growing up.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Baatar was the only one out of Suyin’s kids to care for her. Huan was never mean, he just pretended she didn’t exist and, no matter how hard Kuvira tried to rein in her temper at times (which she never did a very good job at), Opal hated her guts. With the arrival of Wing and Wei Suyin’s time was spread thin, and suddenly she wasn’t able to give Kuvira the attention she needed anymore. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>So maybe she lashed out at the twins a lot growing up, and she knows now that she was wrong. But Kuvira craved love and attention despite not showing it, she desired it more than anything. It’s why she latched onto you after meeting, why she pressured you into following her around the earth kingdom. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Baatar was her temporary fix until you came along, they weren’t very close, but they were friends. She knew he was infatuated with her and it always weirded her out quite a bit but that long-lived infatuation of his helped her in the long run. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>But it also cursed her in a way, she got what she wanted out of him but at the price of your happiness and trust. If she hadn’t used him you guys would be fine, you could kiss her for more than a few minutes and finally say those three words she craved. You haven’t said them in so long.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“And I’m afraid of being hurt again, I was always on edge and ready to cry back then. I know now that’s not healthy and I fear that if you revert to your old self, I’ll let you walk all over me again…” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Spirits, your words sting, it’s like a stab at the heart, and Kuvira can’t help but flinch at them. To be honest, a part of her does fear that one day it’ll all be too much, and she’ll explode. That she’ll exhaust all of Dr. Hanika’s suggested coping mechanisms and bite back with enough malice to put the old her to shame. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She’s trying to undo her whole life, to be honest, she’s been this aggressive, arrogant woman with a temper the size of Ba Sing Se since she was a little girl. Her father thought Suyin could get her to change and for a while, it seemed like her tendencies were subdued a bit once she joined the guard. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>But she could still snap, still blow up and put someone in their place just for breathing wrong on her bad days. On the train, with the stress of the Empire on her shoulders, Kuvira turned into the old her without even realizing it. She used to hold herself back, and she did a decent job at it but it’s not enough now. She needs to be better than ever, for you. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I, like you, can’t make any promises, but I am really trying Y/n.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I know you are.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I want this, I want us to be happy and I want you to one day know that I am not leaving you. I won’t even so much as touch another person because you’re all I want.” She pulls your hand up and slowly places a kiss on your knuckles. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I love you, and I know I hurt you but I want to make this right. When you were-” Kuvira’s eyes begin to water at the thought, “When you were bleeding out it put things into perspective for me. It showed me what’s really important and you are what’s important to me. Not power or immense control or adoration from my followers, just<em> you</em>.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Tears well up in your gorgeous eyes, making them glisten like freshly polished glass. You gently pull your hand away from hers to wipe at them, you feel like you should say it back. But you're not ready to open your heart back up, it’s still healing from the damage dealt by none other than your lover.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I can’t get it out of my head,” you whisper. Baatar’s cruel words he spat out in his jail cell still come back to haunt you at times and those images seem to have staked a claim in your mind for life. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust you around him, even if I begin to trust you the second he’s near it’ll all fall apart.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Then I’ll steer clear of him, I can happily live in a Baatar free world.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I shouldn’t have to make you cut someone out of your life,” your tone is laced with annoyance as you place your head in your hands. “You should be able to reconnect with the family that raised you without causing me to panic about my place in your life.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Kuvira realizes then that she never told you about talking to Baatar during her temporary leave. She didn’t mean to not tell you, it just never came up. Honestly, you didn’t ask any questions about it, you were just happy she was home safe. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I should tell you,” Kuvira begins, her heart racing, “that when I was helping Korra I had to work with Baatar.”  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Your eyes widen at her words, head still in your hands your whole body freezes as you try to process her words. You try to think back to anytime she might have mentioned that trip and then you remember finding out about her being in Zaofu a few days before her return. She never came back for those few days, never sent someone to check in on you. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Nothing happened.” You still don’t respond to her words, verbally or physically. “I needed his help to create a device for Korra… Y/n?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>“Did you know she fucked me? Multiple times.”</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>“Did you know she moaned my name as I drove into her?” </em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She reaches forward to touch your arm, to try to bring you back down to earth. You yank away from her, your head shooting up to look at her with a look of pure outrage. Your walls are beginning to slam back into place and everything Dr. Hanika told you begins to burn away. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You push your chair back, making a beeline for the bedroom. You hear the skidding of a chair behind you before Kuvira grabs your forearm. Her grip isn’t bruising but you know no matter how hard you try you won’t be able to rip her handoff. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Don’t shut me out.” Her voice drips with desperation as she gently tugs you to face her. “You can’t keep shutting me out like this.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Why not?! You did it to me for three years!” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Yeah, and we’re in therapy because of it!” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“You know how I feel about him, you know it and you still saw him? You kept all this from me for what? Because the only reason I can think of is you fucking him again!”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I didn’t sleep with him,” she looks so hurt, but you can’t help all of your insecurities that just keep intensifying. “We had to work on a project together to help Asami. I apologized to him and told him I love you, please Y/n.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Then why didn’t you tell me?” Your brain convinces you she’s lying, she has to be. But she never lied in the past about sleeping with him, she was way too open about it. But now is different, now you’ll leave. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“It honestly slipped my mind. I was just happy that you were talking to me again. We never talked about that trip and suddenly you were touching me again and I-I could only think about making you happy.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>
    <em>“I’ve loved her since I was thirteen years old.” </em>
  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“He wouldn’t just let you go, I can’t believe that he just backed down and accepted that you weren’t his anymore.” He would kill for her, you're pretty sure he did. Baatar was many things, and stubborn was definitely one of them. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I won’t lie and tell you he didn’t try something but I shot him down and made sure he knew we were strictly working together.” Her hands slide up to cradle your face, you debate pushing her away and locking yourself in the darkness of your room to brood. It seems so appealing. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I learned my lesson Y/n, I know I fucked up big time and I just want to make it right. You have to believe me.” She pulls you closer until your foreheads are touching and sighs, “we can’t keep going in circles.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You know you can’t, sooner or later you’ll have to either fully put in the effort to learn to trust her or finally leave. Both ideas terrify you, you don’t want to lose her but you also don’t want to open back up. Being with her all those years felt like having your heart chained up, anytime you tried to be, well you, the chains tightened, and that suffocating feeling became more intense. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Her thumbs gently brush over your cheekbones as she patiently waits for a reply. You don’t know what to do or what to believe, the gnarled, rotten part within you screams at you that she’s lying. But the part of you that’s hopeful, that still loves Kuvira and wants a future, begs you to believe her. It’s a waging war within and you don’t know which side you want to win. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Do you still love me?” You’ve taken too long to reply. Kuvira’s worries are beginning to intensify. She knows she should wait and give you time, but she can’t keep doing this whilst in the dark about your feelings. She, if anything, loves you more than ever. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Kuvira had never seen this domestic side of you, the gentle care you pour into your plants and Lily makes her dream of a future child with you. You hum when reading which she doesn’t think you know, and she won’t tell you because she loves it. Without the fear of being caught, she can hold you until mid-morning when you finally wake up. She gets to watch you peacefully sleep for a while, hear you murmur an unintelligible word or two as you snuggle up close. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>On the train Kuvira held herself back to an extent, she forced herself to focus on uniting the Earth Empire which meant putting you on the back burner more often than not. But now all that’s left is you and <em>fuck</em> does she love it. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I…” You begin, the words are stuck in your throat, they feel sharp and painful. You know what to say, you know you need to tell her the truth. If you shy away now you won’t be the one walking out that door, it’ll be her. “Yes.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You settle on that, yes is easier to swallow. Those three words seem monumental and you aren’t there yet. You do still love her, but to say it out loud makes you vulnerable, it means taking off the metal armor you’ve bent around your heart.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Kuvira tries not to show her disappointment at your response, she knows she should be happy with what she’s been given. But it’s almost been a year and part of her is becoming desperate. She took your love for granted back then. You used to tell her every night before you drifted off to sleep how much you loved her. She sucks it up and accepts what little you can offer. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Then don’t shut me out again.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Okay.” </p>
  <p> </p>
  <hr/>
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>      4. <em>Have a calm conversation where you ask each other questions. </em></p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Three weeks later and now you can make it to 33 seconds. Despite feeling a bit better due to it, you know not to push the boundaries like last time and continue to keep sex off the table. You continue to compliment one another and Kuvira starts to regularly say<em> ‘I love you,’</em> again. You always just smile as a reply and nod. It hurts but she’ll take it. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>It still takes a while to work back up to before, she knows to hold herself back as you hesitantly brush your fingers against hers or hug her for only a few seconds. At the end of week two, it gets a bit easier for you. During your last couples session, you both talked more in-depth about your mistake. You owned up to being the instigator and the cause of it, just wanting to feel normal again. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Dr. Hanika has you begin journaling your thoughts and feelings to help keep you check but also to make sure nothing bottles up. It’s almost embarrassing when she gently reminds you of the work you’d both put in to not shut yourself out again, but she doesn’t scold you or anything, simply tells you it’s okay to mess up but to keep trying. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You both casually compliment one another throughout the day and at night you’ve gone back to snuggling up close whilst still awake. It’s in the evening as the both of you are laying down for the night the silence calming as she pulls you closer. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Are you sleepy?” You ask, Kuvira shakes her head as she places a soft kiss at the top of yours. Your insides flutter at her actions and sigh, “I’m not either.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Before, if neither of you were tired you’d claw away each other's clothes and devour each other until the point of exhaustion. But that was before and this is now, so a new solution, one that involves keeping your clothes on needs to be created. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“We could… Talk?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“What about?” you look up, your noses almost touching as you raise a brow. Kuvira has to use every ounce of self-restraint she has to keep from kissing you. It’d be easy, you're close.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Well we could ask each other stuff, there’s bound to be a lot of things we still don’t know about one another.” You smile at Kuvira’s words and nod. You guys talked back on the train and got to know each other but for the most part, your relationship was physical. There was a lot she probably didn’t know. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You twist your body around so your chin is resting on her chest so you can easily look at her, one of your legs tangles with hers. You decide to be brave and gently reach a hand up to run your fingers through her hair. Kuvira’s eyes squeeze shut at the action as she leans into your hand, this level of affection from you makes her want to cry. Just a few months ago you couldn’t even look into her eyes. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You twirl a strand around your finger before asking “what did you wanna be when you were little?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Like career-wise?” You hum in response and Kuvira sighs as she tries to think of it. She tried to push anything before sixteen out of her mind most of the time. “It’s embarrassing.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“C’mon! I wanna know,” you grin at the slight flush to her face. She’s never embarrassed, always so sure of herself and her actions. “Please, for me?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She hates that you know that’ll work. You’ve got her wrapped around your finger, and she’s not even sure if you're all too aware of how far she’d go for you. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I wanted to be a pro bender…” You lean up a bit at her words, your face softening. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“You still could, you're the best earth bender I’ve ever seen.” Kuvira rolls her eyes at your words, to be a pro bender involves being likable. No one would want her on their team or cheer for her. “Kuvira, once our house arrest is over we can start over and do whatever we wanna do.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“What do you want to do, once yours is up?” You know she’s deflecting but decide to drop it, for now. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I wanna take dance lessons again if Suyin will let me.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I worked everything out with her. Besides, you broke her family out, so I don’t see why she’d have a grudge against you,” she hesitantly lifts one of her hands and softly trails her fingertips up your arm. You let out a soft sigh as she brings it up to cup your cheek. “You were a great dancer back then.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You chuckle at her words, not believing any bit of it. “I was not, I kept messing up and falling over.” Especially during your private practices with Kuvira, focusing on anything that wasn’t her proved to be impossible. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>You’d always zone out as you watched her braid swish back and forth with her movements. More than once did she have to guide you through the motions with her hands on your hips. You definitely couldn’t focus then. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“For a newbie, you did amazing, much better than I did my first few months.” You know she’s just being nice. Kuvira spent most of her younger teenage years training to one day be a guard and such a job requires coordination, so she must have been amazing at dancing from the beginning. You can’t imagine her being bad. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“You humor me too much,” you say, your tone light and happy. Right now all the bad moments are at the very back of your mind as you lay in this rare state with Kuvira. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I’m not lying!” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“You are! I vividly remember stepping on your toes at least twice.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Well I said for a newbie you did amazing not that you perfected it the second you walked into the room.” You both quietly laugh at that, at some point you stopped twirling her hair but instead just gently held the piece between your two fingers. As your laughter settles down, Kuvira gently rubs her thumb across your cheekbone and asks “What did you wanna be? When you were little.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Oh, just like my mom,” you bite your lip to try and stop from grinning.  </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Really?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Yea, I used to wear her helmet around the house all the time and got so excited when I found out I was an earth bender. But then I got older and realized all the job entailed.” Kuvira tries to picture a mini you racing down the halls of your home with an oversized metal helmet on, it most likely bounced on your shoulders as you ran. She determines she likes that image quite a lot. “I was never cut out for fighting, I definitely inherited my dad's pacifist nature.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Do your parents have any pictures of you growing up?” Kuvira knows they do, she remembers the one hung up in the hallway and how there were a dozen others just like it. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Yeah, my dad never seemed to put down the camera. Especially after my mom made Lieutenant because she wasn’t home as often, so he tried to take extra photos for her.” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Kuvira’s hand that was once on your cheek travels down to your waist where it finds a home. You lean your cheek against her chest, never breaking eye contact. “Is there… any photos of you when you were younger?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She won’t have anything before Zaofu. Her parents left her with a sack of clothes and a few toys before ditching her to have a stress-free life. But Suyin must have a few photos of her tucked away somewhere. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I don’t know. I wouldn’t be surprised if Suyin destroyed them after I left.” You find that hard to believe. You might not be a massive fan of her after she tried to assassinate Kuvira but a part of you knows she’s kept at least one.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Well… I guess we’ll just have to take a bunch of new ones. Y’know I think my dad has some photos of us from Winter Solstice.” Tiredness slowly creeps into your features, instead of bidding her goodnight you continue. “Are you really happy, Kuvira?” </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Last year it seemed the only way for her to be truly happy was to conquer the Earth Kingdom. Nothing satisfied her for long but the power she possessed always left this triumphant glint in her eyes. Now she cooks meals for the both of you and quietly draws during the day. Sometimes the both of you dance after dinner and others you simply cuddle on the couch with Lily laying at your feet. It’s nothing like her old life. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>The hand resting on your hip slides up to cup your other cheek, your face is gently cradled between her hands. She doesn’t know how to properly word how happy she is. Kuvira used to think to be happy she had to be at the top. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Control was a necessary element in her life and for the longest time, she thought she’d simply perish without it. But circumstances change, events mold people into something new, and she knows if the old her saw her now she’d laugh. Old, arrogant Kuvira would think this all a lie and carry on with her life, that chip embedded on her shoulder. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>She wonders what would have happened if she had gone after Republic City. Would she have won? Would you have found it in yourself to stomach the sight of her? She knows the answer to the last question, remembering the face you made the day she told you of the final act in her plan. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>But now she can simply breathe with you and lay with you. There’s no pressure to be anything but herself, no need to appear strong at every given moment. There are things she misses about the outside world, but your company helps her forget about them all. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I think, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been,” is all she manages to say. But it’s enough for you judging by the loving grin you give in return. </p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. part six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> <em>  3. Tell your partner why you love them. </em></p><p>Spring is near its end, the days have grown hotter as the sun beats down on the metal city. And with the end of spring comes a special day, your birthday. In the last few years, it was nothing big, Kuvira would usually promise you something great one day like an elegant necklace or first edition books. Those three birthdays spent with her felt strange and hollow. You knew each time she got so caught up in it all that she forgot. Two days before your last birthday you even heard Bolin remind her. </p><p>And whilst she’s no longer constantly busy with the task of uniting the Empire, you didn’t think she’d remember. You also didn’t expect the guests that arrived later that fateful day. </p><p>When you wake up, feeling slightly excited about the day, you wake to an empty bed. At first, that familiar feeling of panic (smaller than any of the others before) tightens around your chest until your gaze drifts to the open door. The morning light shines through the sheer curtains you had installed in the living room and casts Kuvira in an angelic glow. </p><p>Her dark hair has been braided, the style reminds you of the day you met. She’s sporting a pair of shorts and a large sleep shirt of yours (it used to be your dad’s) along with a pair of the knitted socks you got for Winter Solstice. You bite your lip at the sight as your heart slowly begins to beat at its normal pace again. </p><p>Slowly sitting up you stay in bed with the blankets covering your lower half as you grab her pillow and hug it. Your chin rests on top of it as you watch your lover make you breakfast. Even if she doesn’t remember, this is already better than your last three birthdays. </p><p>You don’t know how long you sit there and dreamily watch her but you do know that when she finally catches your gaze, most of whatever she’s prepared has been set on a tray. “You’re meant to be asleep,” she says in defeat. </p><p>You bite your lip as your smile widens at her words. She grabs the glass of mango juice she was in the middle of filling when she finally felt your eyes drilling holes into her backside and places it on the tray with everything else. </p><p>Kuvira grabs the metal tray by the handles and carefully walks over to your bed. You place her pillow down and scoot over until your back hits the headboard. You help her set the tray down, not wanting to stain the sheets if anything were to spill.<em> Spirits</em>, you want to cry, not because of anything bad, but simply because you can tell how much effort and time was put into the meal at hand. </p><p>There’s a stack of apple pancakes with a cinnamon mixture drizzled on top, the pad of butter is half melted and you notice the little pitcher of syrup set beside it. There’s a small bowl of chopped fruit along with a few pieces of perfectly cooked crispy bacon. “I wanted to surprise you.” </p><p>Gulping you look into her eyes and say “you surprised me.” Slowly, afraid of knocking over the tray you pull her close so you can softly kiss her. Your hand is on her shoulder as hers are holding her up on either side of your legs. She’s leaning over the tray as she kisses you back with such gentleness that it makes your heart clench at the love you’re currently feeling. </p><p>Kuvira reluctantly pulls away, ever since that night a month ago that ended with you sobbing she’s tried to keep either of you from getting carried away. She wants you so bad, but it’s not time, and she won’t risk the delicate balance that the two of you have recently found. </p><p>“Happy birthday.” Tears well up at her words as you let out a wet chuckle. Every little problem has momentarily vanished in this sweet moment. She reaches her hand up to gently wipe at the tears, if not for your smile she’d be worried that you were upset. </p><p>“Thank you….” You look down at the meal before you as you pick up the fork laid out on a napkin. “This looks amazing, Kuvira.” </p><p>You eat in peaceful silence and Kuvira moves around so she’s sitting beside you and has her chin resting on your shoulder with her arms wrapped around you, your back pressed against her chest. The pancakes are heavenly and you thank whatever force compelled Kuvira to start cooking because this is the best thing you’ve ever eaten. </p><p>“Do you want a bite?” You cut a piece off for her and lift your fork. She shakes her head. </p><p>“It’s for you.” </p><p>“But have you eaten anything yet?” </p><p>“No, but I’ll eat something after.” You raise your fork to her lips anyways, and she sighs before opening her mouth. It’s weird feeding her but you kind of like it, once she bites the piece off you lower the fork you watch her reaction. You smirk when she groans at the taste and before you know it she’s reaching for your fork again. “Hey wait!” </p><p>“That’s amazing and I made it, so I deserve more!” </p><p>“It’s my birthday breakfast!” You’re both grinning from ear to ear as she tries to take the fork from you. There’s a dip in the bed as you both continue to struggle over it, she’s beginning to win and there’s this smug look on her features. </p><p>Suddenly her eyes widen as she looks behind you but before either of you can stop whatever it is she sees the sound of Lily gobbling said pancakes up fills the room. Turning slightly so you’re no longer facing Kuvira you see that the plate has been licked clean as Lily stares at you both, her tail viciously wagging back and forth. </p><p>“Well it looks like neither of us is gonna eat them,” you say, it’s still for a moment before you laugh and Kuvira joins you. Perhaps some other day you would have scolded her but right now you’re too happy to care. </p><p>You split the bowl of fruit and bacon between the two of you and make Lily lay on the ground to keep her from stealing anything else. Her long snout is raised in the air as she sniffs the bacon that you feed Kuvira.</p><p>“What do you want to do today?” She leans back a bit and loosens her hold around your waist. You bite your lip as you try to think something up, growing up your parents would make a picnic and take you across the street to your favorite place on earth where you’d eat amongst the flowers and spend the day basking in the sun. </p><p>Unfortunately with your house arrest that isn’t possible. Someday you’d like to spend it that way again but with Kuvira there as well and Lily napping in the sun beside you all. But today, after everything, you just want it to be as peaceful and relaxing as it possibly can. </p><p>“I just wanna listen to the radio and cuddle you.” Kuvira warms at your words, that’s a plan she can get behind. So you both force yourselves out of bed and place the tray in the kitchen. You turn the radio on as Kuvira lays down on the couch, turning the dial so the volume is lowered a few notches you climb onto the couch and lay between her legs. Resting your head on her chest, you sigh happily when her arms wrap around you. </p><p>The afternoon is peaceful and sometimes one of you breaks the silence to say something in hushed voices. The windows and garden door are open, which allows a cool breeze to flow through the room and graze your skin. You’re just about to fall asleep when someone repeatedly knocks on your door. </p><p>“The fuck?” Kuvira groans out. She had fallen asleep some time ago and is being rudely awoken to the knocking. Your parents aren’t meant to come over until dinner time like Kuvira and your father planned, and from what she can tell it’s only midday. </p><p>Reluctantly you extract yourself from Kuvira’s hold and head over to the front door, by now the knocking has thankfully stopped. Sleepily rubbing your eye with one hand and you open the door with the other. Once the person on the other side catches who is greeting him he pulls you into a hug so tight it causes you to wheeze. </p><p>“Happy birthday!” Bolin lets go of you, causing you to stumble back two steps. Kuvira’s eyes widen as she sits up and watches him place his hands on your shoulders with a grin. “You’re one year older!” </p><p>“You… Remembered?” Your brows are raised in surprise as you notice the large gift bag behind him on the floor. Meanwhile, Kuvira is debating going to hide away in your room, not because she’s scared of Bolin but because this is your day and last time they spoke he didn’t hold back his hatred for her. </p><p>“Of course, how could I forget one of my best friends’ birthdays?” You step aside to let him in, so he grabs the bag and makes himself at home by placing it on your coffee table. Kuvira stands so she can swiftly excuse herself but stops when Bolin sends a forced smile her way. “I thought I’d come to visit Zaofu and see you, plus I missed Opal.” </p><p>“How is she?” You’re not a massive fan of Opal ever since Kuvira told you about how she acted during her brief time away, but you know she means the world to Bolin just as Kuvira does to you. You walk over to Kuvira as you notice her eyeing the bedroom door and snuggle into her side, wrapping an arm around her waist. </p><p>Bolin seems surprised at the open display, to be fair he found out about the two of you right before he escaped and has never witnessed the two of you share so much as a hug. “She’s doing pretty good, she’s really happy to have her family all back together again.” </p><p>You know that’s a slight dig at Kuvira but try to ignore it, at some point you’ll pull him aside and ask him to ease up on her, for you. “Are you… Do you wanna stay for lunch?” </p><p>To be honest the both of you probably would have slept through lunch but with the arrival of Bolin you may as well eat, three bites of pancakes with some bacon and fruit doesn’t last as long as one would think.</p><p>“Totally! We have so much catching up to do anyway.” You help Kuvira heat up some of last night’s dinner along with sprucing it up with spices and some homemade bread that she made the other day. Bolin sits at the table and watches the two of you move throughout the kitchen peacefully. </p><p>You both are so used to this that by now you know when to hand the other a utensil or keep from bumping into each other while moving around. He never thought he’d see the great uniter in a kitchen, especially in pajamas no less. Kuvira’s hair is a bit of a mess from the nap and is half out of her braid, not that she notices and you’re wearing her white tank top with light blue pajama shorts. Both of you are sporting socks and are the picture of domesticity. </p><p>He notices how healthy you look. Those years on the train were slowly killing you, your lack of appetite and resigned demeanor had made you gradually disappear, it seems like he watched your soul float out of your body sometime after the engagement.</p><p>But now you’ve gained back the weight you lost, your cheeks are full again, hair shiny and you’re… Smiling. He’s seen you smile a lot, but he realizes now they must have all been fake because this one is so obviously genuine and nothing like the others. When Kuvira passes by you, a hand grazing your back to let you know of her presence you peek at her with a look so full of love. He wonders if Kuvira knows just how much you love her. It must be a lot by the way you seem so relaxed beside her. </p><p>Lily trots in from the garden where she was most likely barking at anyone passing by and immediately decides that she must sniff this new person. She shoves her cold snout against his arm and Bolin jumps in shock, a yelp escaping him. </p><p>Both of you look up at the sound and when you see Lily inspecting Bolin you snort. “That’s Lily,” you begin to plate the now warm kebabs while Kuvira scoops the Papaya salad into three bowls. “She likes if you rub the backs of her ears.” </p><p>“You got a dog?” Bolin eyes the two of you, more so Kuvira than you. Kuvira has a dog? He must be having some kind of fever dream because nothing seems correct right now. </p><p>“Yes…” That’s the first thing Kuvira has said to Bolin since he stepped through that door. To be fair her heart is pounding as she waits to see his response. You mean too much to her to mess up right now. She can’t ruin another one of your birthdays by starting a fight with your best friend. </p><p>“Well, that’s cool! Y’know I might need to use Lily as an excuse to get one myself, but maybe a smaller one because I’m not home a lot and I could carry a small one around. I don’t think I told you but I work for Zhu Li now.” You bring the plates over to the table and help Kuvira with the bowls. </p><p>The last of Bolin’s words perplexes you. For the most part, you’ve been sheltered from the outside world and its news since the hospital. The last you heard about Zhu Li was her marriage to Varrick. </p><p>She sent you a letter letting you know and saying she wished you could have made it, but she understood that you couldn’t. “What do you mean? She isn’t Varrick’s assistant anymore?” </p><p>“Oh wow you’ve really-” Bolin takes a bite of his kebab and his eyes widen at the explosion of flavor in that one bite of meat, “been left out of the loop huh? Also, this is really good.” </p><p>“Thanks,” Kuvira says softly. Another shocker for poor Bolin, she made this? What other weird things has she been getting up to ever since she tried to enslave them? </p><p>“Well,” Bolin brushes off Kuvira’s words, and you sigh to yourself. “Zhu Li ran for president of Republic City and won.” </p><p>“What?!” Your eyes widen, you drop your fork back into your bowl and stare at Bolin. “Really?” </p><p>“Yeah, and she’s ten times better than Raiko. I’m… Well, I guess I’m her assistant now, so I don’t really have much time for myself anymore, but it’s a fulfilling job.” </p><p>You reach under the table and search for Kuvira’s hand. Your fingers brush against hers before wrapping them around hers and softly squeezing. You know she must be uncomfortable right and you’re so grateful. This can’t be easy for her.</p><p>“How did you manage to sneak away to Zaofu then?” </p><p>“Oh she gave me the time off when she heard it was your birthday, even gave me a gift to give to you from her and Varrick.” Oh wow, if it’s from the both of them it will probably be something fancy, but knowing Zhu Li it won’t be too over the top whereas if Varrick was in control of it you’d probably have something that could be seen from a mile away. </p><p>“I hope I can see her again sometime, Varrick too.” </p><p>“I’m sure if you ask she’ll find some time off. You mean a lot to her after everything.”<em> After helping her escape,</em> is what he doesn’t say but it’s what everyone knows. Escape from<em> Kuvira. </em></p><p>“So what are they like as a couple? It shocked me when I got that letter.” And so Bolin goes on one of his tangents about everything regarding the couple. </p><p>Apparently, they both knew about their soulmate bond from day one but Varrick had assumed it’d be one of those rare cases where the love they felt was platonic instead of romantic. But he was just shoving his feelings for her aside, and she had assumed it was platonic as well seeing as he was her<em> boss</em>. </p><p>Little did either know how wrong they were and spent all of those years together slowly, inch by inch, falling in love with one another. It’s actually kind of romantic, they were if anything, friends before lovers. Sometimes you wonder if that’s how it should be. </p><p>After everything you feel like just jumping into a relationship with someone you don’t know because of words on your skin seems a bit hasty and rushed. To become friends first, to slowly get to know another allows them to learn if they are right for each other. </p><p>Just because the universe has chosen you as soulmates doesn’t mean you have to date them, many people, those who don’t feel romantic attraction towards others, form deep friendships with their soulmate. And others leave their soulmate because, even though their bond is deeper, the other may still be bad for them. You wonder if you would have left Kuvira if you weren’t so stubborn.</p><p>You understand that at times the universe doesn’t choose correctly but you think it did for you. Perhaps at first, she wasn’t good for you but the woman she’s grown into these last few months<em> (almost a year) </em>is thoughtful, caring, and handles you with the utmost gentleness as if you’re porcelain. It’s a transformation unlike any other. After that first kiss, it was almost always rough and fast, you had gone further into the physical aspects of your relationship far before you even knew the basics about each other. She was all-consuming in a way that slowly sucked the life out of you but now she’s slowly filling you back up and replacing the cracked pieces of your heart. Pieces she broke. </p><p>“I’m so happy for them, I know Zhu Li seemed worried about Varrick’s reaction to her return,” you reply after he’s done regaling you of everything regarding the couple. It makes sense now that you think about it. </p><p>You think back to the day you helped her escape as you handed her the battle plans for Republic City and how you asked her if you thought a soulmate could forgive the other over a great betrayal. </p><p>
  <em>“Do you think, what with the deeper bond and all, someone can forgive their soulmate if they betray them?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I hope so.” </em>
</p><p>Whilst you were panicking over Kuvira, she was probably panicking over Varrick. Then you think about now, about the therapy sessions and the months of not talking, of not touching. The fighting and tears. There wasn’t much for Kuvira to forgive but there was so much for you to forgive. How do you answer your own question when you still aren’t so sure? </p><p>“Oh, the trip back to Republic City whipped him into shape, it made him realize how much he loved her.” By now you’ve all finished your food and Kuvira gets up to collect all the plates. When she passes by you gently grab her wrist to slowly pull her down and leave a quick peck on her cheek. </p><p>She can’t help the slight flush that dusts her cheeks as she stands back up after the kiss and heads to the sink. You just want to try and let her know how much you appreciate her right now, how you see the work she’s putting in. </p><p>Bolin gets up at the display and heads over to the coffee table where he left the big, dark blue bag. He brings it over to you and sets it down on the table with an excited grin. </p><p>“Okay, so this-” he pulls out a perfectly wrapped medium-sized box, “is from Zhu Li. I thought you could open it first and then open mine.” </p><p>He’s like an over-excited toddler as he sits down beside you. Kuvira watches from the kitchen as you tear into the wrapping paper, it falls to the floor in small heaps that she knows Lily will try to chew. </p><p>You rip off the last piece of paper to find a black box staring back at you, sliding it onto the table you gently pull the lid off. The first thing that catches your eye is a thin metal bookmark that resembles a flower with its stem. There’re words engraved onto the side that read <em>‘Bravery is often found in the quiet ones’.</em> </p><p>You think back on last year, it was a terrifying time but the two of you, the quiet ones, were braver than anyone could imagine when it came down to it. That night helping her escape made you feel like a hero in a novel, well up until the adrenaline wore off on the ride back to Zaofu. </p><p>Together you took out a general and six guards. She destroyed the mecha suits and you destroyed the weapons. At the moment you didn’t think of yourself as brave or courageous. You were simply trying to right the wrongs of your past, trying to finally be the person you hoped to be. </p><p>Biting your lip to keep from crying you lift the bookmark to show Kuvira “now you can stop yelling at me about our books.” </p><p>“You practically mutilate them with that awful dog-earring,” she retorts. She can see the glisten in your eyes, but she’s too far away to see the words engraved. Kuvira doesn’t comment on it as you blink a few times to wash them away before carefully setting the bookmark onto the table. </p><p>Pulling your gaze away from the bookmark you look towards the box to see what else is inside. There’s something wrapped up in silver tissue paper so you swiftly pull it off and are met with a sight that has you giggling. In your hands is a book titled <em>‘Communication for Dummies’.</em> There’s a card that slips out of it, it’s small and white, and when you open it up you’re met with Zhu Li’s neat handwriting. </p><p>
  <em>The bookmark is to help remind you of your success, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The book is to hopefully help you find peace. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I miss you and hope you’re having a very happy birthday. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Thank you for everything, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Zhu Li Moon.</em>
</p><p>You gently place the card on top of the book and put all three items back into the small black box before placing the lid back on. By now Kuvira has walked over to help you pick up the wrapping paper, which you pull yourself away from the box to do. When you hand her the fist full of paper in your hand, Bolin slides the bag your way. </p><p>“I can’t wait to see your reaction,” he places his chin in his hands as he leans forward in his seat. He’s practically vibrating with excitement so to help calm him down you happily open up the bag and pull out all the tissue paper he stuffed inside. </p><p>Your fingers graze across the smooth fabric and you gently grip the material to pull it out of the bag. In your hand is a mint green halter top made of stretchy fabric, with furrowed brows you pull out the other item inside that’s a pair of matching mint green pants made of the same material. </p><p>“For when you start dancing again,” Bolin happily explains. You look down at the clothes, before you’d always just wear a tank top and sweatpants like most of the girls there but some of them, the ones who had been doing it most of their life had special outfits for practice. “I thought the best dancer I know should have something to practice in.” </p><p>“Bolin…” You want to remind him that you aren’t a dancer and haven’t practiced with a teacher in four years. Looking at the top in one hand and pants in the other reminds you of that first day sparring with him on the train, how he believed in you and your dream. </p><p>“There’s one more thing in there.” You bite your lip and gently set the clothes down, at the bottom of the bag is a silver shoebox. Using both of your hands you carefully pull the box out of the bag and set it on the table, Bolin sets the bag on the floor for you and watches as you carefully lift the lid. </p><p>Inside is probably the nicest pair of dance shoes you’ve ever seen. Made of soft black leather with laces down the center they have a strong grip on the soles and you run your hand over the bottom of them before looking back up at Bolin. </p><p>“The lady at the shop said those are best for the flying stuff, that’s what you wanna do right?” </p><p><em>Flying stuff,</em> a wet laugh leaves your lips as you vigorously nod. Unshed tears glisten in your eyes as you think about how sentimental this all is. For the last few years, you’ve felt forgotten and unimportant, like if the wind finally carried you away no one would notice. Today feels slightly overwhelming all of a sudden as your grip on the shoes tightens. </p><p>“Are they not the right kind?” Bolin’s voice drips with concern and all you can do is shake your head as you try to calm yourself down. A few tears trickle out from the corners of your eyes and you let out a deep, shaky sigh. </p><p>“No these are perfect, <em>thank you.</em>” He stands from his chair and pulls you into his arms, the shoes get squished between the two of you but you don’t care. Neither of you notice as Kuvira slips into the bedroom, this feels deeply private. She suddenly feels like an intruder in her own home and sits cross-legged on the bed with her sketchbook in front of her as she waits for him to leave. </p><p>When Bolin pulls away from you, he notices the absences of your lover and lets out a sigh of relief, sitting back down in the chair he helps you put all the gifts back in the bag for now. </p><p>“Are you happy, Y/n?” </p><p>“Huh?” You furrow your brows as you wipe away the last of your tears, you feel slightly silly for crying but you know he doesn’t mind. He witnessed you cry a lot on the train. </p><p>“I mean it’s not like before? You’re happy, and she’s finally treating you right?” <em>Oh.</em> You think back on the times you’d start to cry during sparring sessions, he’d always ask if you wanted to stop but you’d simply press on. It felt better to punch away the tears than wallow in them. </p><p><em>It is better</em>, you think. You’ve known for some time that you both have made vast improvements and it makes you so happy to know that your relationship won’t remain such a toxic void, slowly sucking the life out of you. There was still so much left to do though. </p><p>“I am and…” you smile, “she is. She’s been really amazing these last few months.” Bolin feels a sense of relief in your words. You were like a sister to him and it made him feel so much better to be returning to Republic City knowing you were alright. </p><p>“Y’know I expect you to start writing to me, I can’t just come up to Zaofu every few months to make sure you’re still alive.” </p><p>You laugh at that. Grinning you playfully let out a dramatic sigh “I guess I can fit that into my busy schedule.” Both of you talk for a while, he tells you more about his job and you inform him of the thrilling development of your plants which has him laughing with how hard you try to make it sound interesting. </p><p>Eventually, though he has to go. Apparently, he and Opal have a dinner date that he has to go get gussied up for. When you lead him to the front door he pulls you into a tight hug just like the last one, only this time, you’re able to wrap your arms around him too. You stand like that for a minute before he finally pulls away from you, opening the door for himself he looks at you one last time. </p><p>“If you ever need someone, I’ll come as fast as I can, okay?” You nod, to be honest, you had momentarily forgotten about how much Bolin cared for you. It’s comforting to know he still cares about you after this year apart during which you’ve stayed with someone he hates. </p><p>“I know, thank you, Bolin.” He offers you one last smile before leaving, the door softly shuts behind him, and once more it’s simply the three of you in the apartment. Lily is napping on the couch and the bedroom door is shut, you know Kuvira snuck off at some point so you leisurely walk over. Upon opening the door you find her sitting at the center of the bed, hunched over with her charcoal pencil in hand. </p><p>“Hey,” you lean against the doorway with your arms comfortably crossed over your chest. She looks up from her sketchbook at the sound of your voice, a soft smile creeps its way onto her lips. “How’s the sketch going?” </p><p>“I’m almost done, ‘started working on it yesterday, so I’m mainly shading right now.” She sets the pencil down and pushes some loose strands of hair behind her ear. “How was your time with him?” </p><p>You slowly walk over and climb onto the bed, you steer clear of the book and make sure not to look down at it as you sit beside Kuvira. Your fingers run through her hair, from her nap most of it is out of the braid and she hasn’t tried to fix it. You love her like this, when she looks so relaxed and happy. “It was nice, we mainly just chatted about our lives since we last saw each other. I missed talking to him.” </p><p>“Those were some nice things you got.” Kuvira looks down at her sketchbook and picks up the pencil to twirl between her fingers.  </p><p>“They were, I wasn’t expecting that though.” </p><p>Kuvira sighs, raking a hand through her hair she looks at you out of the corner of her eye. “I’m sorry I can’t get something like that for you today.” Or have ever given you something like that, she thinks in a self-deprecating manner. </p><p>She thinks of all the empty promises on all your other birthdays, the way she’d mention one day showering you in jewelry once it was all over. You’d always tell her you didn’t need fine jewels, just her, but she still feels like a bad girlfriend for not having all of that and more to hand to you on a silver platter. </p><p>“Kuvira…” You inch closer to her until your knees are touching the side of her leg, one of your hands helps tilt her head towards you so you can look into her eyes. “You could hand me a wilted flower and I’d love it.” </p><p>She rolls her eyes at your words, but you pull her face closer until your noses are touching. “I’m serious, I’m really happy with how today has gone, I don’t need anything. All I want is to spend the rest of the day relaxing with you.” </p><p>“I do have something…” She replies softly. You tilt your head in question and watch as she slowly extracts herself from your hold before moving over to her nightstand. She fishes a stack of papers out of her drawer, with her back turned to you, she rearranges them and makes sure none of them have been bent or smudged. </p><p>Kuvira is nervous, which shocks her because she’s never really been nervous. The few times she has, she realizes it’s been about you. With a final exhale Kuvira turns around and sits in front of you. Your knees are touching, you can’t see what’s on the papers as she holds them close to her chest. </p><p>“It isn’t a ruby necklace or golden ring but…” Kuvira thickly swallows as she slowly lowers the papers, you bring your hands up to carefully take them from her. “It’s all I have to give to you.” </p><p>A gasp escapes you at the sight before you, the first paper is of a panda lily, the lines are uniformed and perfected, there’s not a single flaw in sight, not even the shading is shoddy. “These are from the past couple of months, it starts with my first few drawings and ends with the more recent ones.” You’ve never heard her sound so nervous before. She tucks her hands between her thighs, her whole body tense as she watches you silently inspect the first drawing. </p><p>Biting your lip you carefully set the first drawing down, afraid of ripping it. The next three are all of different kinds of flowers, you realize they are flowers your dad often brings over to the house. Each one is as perfect as the last, these can’t be her first few because this looks amazing, then again it seems everything Kuvira does is amazing. </p><p>The fifth one is a bit different, it’s of you, sort of. You can tell she had a harder time with this one, instead of having the sharp defining lines and perfect strokes it’s a bit softer, you can see some smudge marks around the hair but it’s still you. You’re looking down with your hair pushed behind your ears, it’s a side profile. </p><p>“That’s not the best of them,” she admits. You shake your head, delicately as if scared you’ll break it your fingers graze across it. </p><p>“I love it.” The lump in your throat slowly grows as you sift through the stack. Slowly it’s less perfect, less inanimate and lifeless, and rawer. There’s a drawing of Lily on her back with her tail wagging that you know you’ll have to frame. </p><p>There’s one of your parents, it looks like something similar to Winter Solstice as they sit next to each other with glasses of wine in their hands. Your dad has his arm slung over your mom’s shoulder as both are laughing. There are finger smudges on the corner of it and you can see the happiness in their expressions. </p><p>Next is you and your father filling dumplings, he’s staring down at you. You’re grinning from ear to ear as you stare at the half pinched dumpling in your hands. </p><p>Then it’s you and Lily with her sitting on your lap, your arms are wrapped around her body with your eyes close, head resting against hers. The drawing makes you feel cozy and loved like you’re experiencing the moment she captured on the piece of paper. </p><p>There’s two left. The second to last one stuns you, your grips on the papers tighten just a fraction as you stare at yourself sleeping. Your hair is sprawled across the pillow, you have a hand tucked under your head with the other outstretched, most likely trying to reach for her. There’s this content look on your face, a slight smile and a scrunch of the nose. Your shirt has ridden up and bunched just under your breasts, the curve of your body on display as the blanket rests at your hips. </p><p>“When did-” </p><p>“Three weeks ago.” </p><p>You nod, wetting your lips, you feel tears well up in your eyes, you can’t tear your gaze away from the drawing. Your heart swells with love for this talented woman sitting across from you. Is this what you look like in your sleep? Is this what Kuvira sees when she wakes up in the morning? </p><p>“You just looked so peaceful,” she admits anxiously. She keeps looking at you and then the paper, there’s one left, it’s recent but it’s different from the rest. This is based on an old memory, and she doesn’t know what you’ll think of it, </p><p>“It’s beautiful,” you breathe out, your voice shaky. This is too intimate to frame, you’ll have to get some kind of book or folder to hold this and any future ones for safekeeping. You aggressively wipe at your eyes, afraid of the tears dripping onto the paper. Carefully Kuvira extracts her hands from her thighs and brings them up to pull your hands away from your eyes, gently she wipes the tears away for you. “Sorry.” </p><p>“It’s okay, you’re not sad right?” You shake your head in her hands, and she lets out a sigh of relief. “Well, there’s one left.” </p><p>Thickly swallowing you nod before cautiously setting that drawing on top of the rest. Her hands move to run through your hair as you look down at the last one. You still in her hold at the image in front of you. Unlike the rest, which are clearly drawn from memory in house arrest, this one goes far back. It’s something you haven’t thought about in years, it’s of you dancing in the studio with the metal flower underneath you, petals open to reveal you mid twirl. </p><p>You look different, younger, and stress-free with a determined expression. You vaguely remember doing this, it wasn’t part of the routine but something you sometimes did when you thought you were alone. Clearly, at some point, you weren’t as discreet as you thought with your private practices. </p><p>Eager as ever you’d come to the studio an hour early sometimes to warm up before everyone else slowly trickled in. You’d run through the stretches Suyin taught you then practice any moves you felt insecure about, which was honestly all of them. The metal flower makes you flush as you remember your night with Kuvira, you wonder if you’ll ever be able to look at it without feeling slightly scandalized. </p><p>That was your first time, first kiss too. It was overwhelming but also so perfect, she cradled you between her hands like you were a delicate spring flower and watched you come undone so many times before deciding to show you how to pleasure her. You were exhausted when you both finally collapsed in a tangled heap and finally knew why everyone seemed obsessed with sex. </p><p>“Y/n?” This time tears do fall onto the paper and you mentally scold yourself, you offer a weak smile as you let her wipe away the tears. </p><p>“These,” you place one hand on top of the pile, your other delicately holding the last drawing, “are the best gifts I have ever received.” They beat everything you could ever think of. These are things you’ll hold onto for the rest of your life and will show your grandkids. </p><p>You’ll cherish them for the rest of your life, even the less personal ones because it’s something she made, something she deemed beautiful enough to share with you. </p><p>Kuvira doesn’t believe you. She’s sure your parents have spoiled you with amazing gifts growing up and can’t help but believe these drawings to be some kind of a cheap cop-out. But that smile of yours as you continue to softly cry has that self-deprecating voice quieting down. </p><p>“I wanted to talk to you about something, it’s one of the things on Dr. Hanika’s list.” </p><p>You hum in acknowledgment of her words as you pick up the stack from the bed and carefully clutch them to your chest. It seems stupid but these drawings make you feel more loved than you’ve ever felt before. </p><p>“I know you can’t say it to me yet and I don’t want to pressure you.”<em> I do wish you’d say it back,</em> she thinks. “But I wanted to tell you some reasons I love you.” </p><p>Your eyes widen in surprise at her words, but she presses on. “I know we’ve had a rough start and I know I’m to blame for it but I do mean it when I say it to you. Because…” she takes a deep breath, “you are so sweet and caring, you treat everyone kindly but aren’t afraid to fight back when necessary. I watched you stand up for what you believed in last year and you did it so fiercely, without a doubt in your mind it seemed.” </p><p>“You take care of those plants like they are newborn babies, so delicately that at one point in time I was jealous of the attention you gave them,” you can’t help but giggle at that, and she smiles. ”I used to get so excited when I thought about you growing up, I wondered what you’d be like, would you love me back? And then when I was sent here I gave up on the idea. It didn’t seem like I was meant to be loved by someone like that.” </p><p>You move one of your hands away from the stack of papers and gently cup her cheek, she leans into your touch. Her heart swells when she feels your thumb gently graze her cheekbone. </p><p>“I didn’t make anything easy and I think that was partly because I believed you were too good for me. I felt like a fraud at times but you’d always pull me out of my thoughts.” </p><p>“You’re the only person who can do that. I think I’ve remained sane for so long because of you and I know if you weren’t there I would have gone through with my plan. I don’t know what would have happened but I know it wouldn’t have been anything good.” </p><p>She wets her lips. “I love you even though you over-salt your food, even if you snore into my ear at night.-” You flush in embarrassment, your face tilting down, but she needs to look into your eyes for this, they help calm her. So she gently places her finger under your chins and lifts your head back up.</p><p>“You might be a bit messy or destroy our books, turn the music up too loud at times or drag mud through the kitchen but those are the kinds of things that make you who you are. Even if they drive me up the wall at times I still love them because you wouldn’t be the woman you are if you didn’t…. Take up most of the couch when we’re sitting together.” </p><p><em>You can’t help how nice it feels to stretch your legs out,</em> you think. By now there is a stream of tears racing down your cheeks and dripping off your chin. </p><p>“I love you because for some reason, despite me pushing you away all those years you’ve stayed. Everyone else ran away when it got tough but you didn’t even though you should have.”</p><p>“I don’t think I’ve mentioned how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance and I hope you know that I really am trying. Not because I want things to go back to the way they were or because I want specific things from you,” <em>like sex</em>,” but because I love you.” </p><p>You can’t speak right away, that lump in your throat keeps you from forming any words as you continue to quietly cry. You know your face is probably red from crying and that you are such a mess. Reluctantly you set the stack of paper down to wipe away the tears. You take a deep breath to try and calm down, it works, sort of. </p><p>“I know you can’t say it yet and that’s okay, but I wanted to tell you this and…’’ one of Kuvira’s hands slid down to yours, she laced her fingers through yours and offered a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry for being a piece of shit for so long, and I’m sorry it’s taken me four years to give you a decent birthday.”</p><p>“It’s okay…” you choke out. </p><p>“No it’s not,” she quickly replies. Kuvira knows how you don’t like to hurt other people’s feelings, including her own. Sometimes you’ll swallow your own feelings down for other people, she’s witnessed it far too many times. </p><p>You guys sit like that for a few minutes while you calm down, spirits you’ll have to put a cold towel on your face after this. She breathes in time with you in hopes of helping you calm down, it helps as she exhales with you then inhales. You could have used this all those years ago during one of your breakdowns on the train. </p><p>“I do…”<em> love you</em>, ”and one day I’m gonna say it back but right now just know that I do.” </p><p>It’s all you can offer, your voice is scratchy since your throat hurts from crying so much and it makes you cringe a bit to hear. Kuvira nods, she understands. That selfish, impatient part of her is internally yelling to finally hear it again, but she squashes it down. </p><p>The rest of the afternoon is spent in each other’s arms, you fall asleep at some point and awaken to Kuvira gently cupping your cheek. When she tells you your parents are in the living room it surprises you, she lets you slowly get dressed as she leaves the room to go back to cooking with your father. When you look in the floor-length mirror in the bedroom you let out a content sigh as you brush your hand over the sundress you’ve chosen. Your hair is a bit frizzy, but it’s nothing your parents haven’t seen. </p><p>When you finally leave the bedroom your parents cheerfully greet you with bone-crushing hugs as they rejoice at your presence. Both of your parents immediately keep up the tradition by retelling the story of your birth which has Kuvira awkwardly staring at the cutting board as she tries to bite down a chuckle at the funny parts. </p><p>Wine glasses are pulled out, bottles popped and when the food is finally ready you move to the dining room table. It’s loud and boisterous and very similar to Winter Solstice except now the topic is solely you. It has you blushing, your head in your hands as Kuvira gets to find out about all of your embarrassing toddler stories. </p><p>“How old was she?” </p><p>“Four.” </p><p>“She was four when she got a toilet seat stuck around her neck.” Spirits, you gulp down some wine. You can’t be too mad though because Kuvira is laughing, there’s a massive grin on her face. She loves this and hopes your parents never run out of stories to tell her.</p><p> As they begin to tell the story of your first day at school your eyes meet from across the table. Their voices slowly fade away as Kuvira offers you a loving smile that you easily return. </p><p>One day you’ll say it back, it’ll just take a bit more time. And at this moment you have a hard time not mouthing the words to her, but you’re not ready. You won’t push yourself again, so instead, you simply enjoy this moment, this quiet bubble you’ve momentarily created.</p><p>Today has been so perfect, it feels like one of Kuvira’s drawings, like it can’t be real. If you blink it’ll be gone, so you simply enjoy the moment with all three of your favorite people surrounding you. </p><p>She may have messed up your past birthdays, but today might just be the best day of your life and you didn’t even have to leave the house for it. All you can do is hope for more mornings spent laughing in each other’s arms and days where you can simply be lazy, especially as a major change comes barreling towards you.</p>
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